Area Boyfriend to Remain Indoors Playing Kingdom Hearts for Next Five Months

“This is all I’m gonna do from now on.”

-on gliding…and playing video games

Happy New Year from Talk This NYC HQ! As you probably know if you live in the continental US (unless you’re in my much-missed Miami), it’s freaking freezing out. As a result, Josh and I have become hermits who only leave the house when absolutely necessary, which means lots of time for video games! This edition of Clickbait Boyfriend’s opening quote might have actually been in the context of Josh’s weird love of slo-mo gliding away at the end of boss battles, but it applies just as well to my life until March. Or April, realistically. Happy bomb cyclone/polar vortex everyone!

(First time reader? Catch up here.)

“Oh, I’ve wanted to obtain Yuffie for awhile.”

-on gummi blueprints

Despite his ambivalence and/or hatred towards gummi ships for the entire game up to this point, Josh was very excited to obtain the Yuffie blueprint. Weird, huh?

What a sexy ship.

“The only thing that actually grows in the ground, you can’t pull out of the ground.”

-on carrots

This edition is going to jump through three or four worlds, so buckle up for some gummi rides. But right now, break time! We’re headed to the Hundred Acre Wood! Rabbit must have superglued them to the dirt.

Prevents theft, but makes harvest season a real workout.

“Did you see Sora inspecting Eeyore’s ass? I am watching Eeyore twerk in front of a Final Fantasy character.”

-on ruining beloved childhood characters

Alas, there is video evidence:

“What the hell is he doing? Just running head first into barrels?”

-on Hercules’s battle strategy

For a hero, Hercules has a pretty ineffective battle strategy. He spends a lot of time checking out his own muscles.

“We have not seen them eat or poop since this game began. Maybe he goes when he’s on the gummi ship.”

-on unanswered questions

For that matter, how are we meant to understand the passing of time in Kingdom Hearts? It does seem like the gummi ship transcends space and time, given that Hercules can fight Cerberus for our heroes indefinitely and it’s never Christmas in Halloween Town (well, not yet, at least). That would explain how trippy space looks while you travel. 

But back to the matter at hand (er, hopefully not literally at hand). The bathroom issue is a question that is applicable to 99% of our pop culture today, and I always find it amusing to contemplate. Yes, I understand why potty breaks don’t make an appearance in most video games, but it’s still funny to speculate about when they might happen. I think the gummi ship is the most obvious choice, but it’s also possible that in this universe where hearts are spiritual, not anatomical, beings might dispose of bodily waste in a more Disney-appropriate manner. Pixie dust, or the like. 

That said, nobody ate in the game either, so they might not have anything to cleanse from their systems anyway.

The gummi bathroom looks something like this.

“It’s dark as s#!t, everything is scary, I don’t have my friggin keyblade.”

-on Hollow Bastion

Back to our regularly scheduled, much less scatological programming. Josh was not prepared for the darkness level of the game to ratchet up to eleven in Hollow Bastion. Speaking of eleven…


-on Riku, part one

Can you feel the catharsis through the screen? Now the score’s eleven to one!

Kingdom Hearts seems to be committed to a lot of problematic metaphysical positions. Modal realism, substance dualism…”

-on being a major NERD

Bonus quote! Josh, on seeing this graphic: “I love this! People actually made this?”

Dang, Donald. #deep

Clickbait Boyfriend has never gotten much of an introduction aside from his status as a Kingdom Hearts n00b. In the real world, when he’s not playing video games (a rare occurrence these days), he’s a philosophy Ph.D. student. He has been having a field day with all of the bizarre rules of the Kingdom Hearts universe. We’re thinking of having him write a guest blog on the philosophy of the series, but the overarching conclusion seems to be that it makes no sense. No surprise to anyone who’s ever played these games before, but Josh is still searching for a way to make sense of it all.

“D-pads are kind of a relic.”

-on the game mechanics of 2002

Given that I’ve been using the equivalent of a d-pad on my new Nintendo Switch, this is not strictly true, but I appreciate the sentiment. It is pretty spectacularly irritating to have to arrow down to “Items” on the menu when you’re running around in battle.

These things were phased out something like five years before the release of Kingdom Hearts, but I literally cannot imagine playing without an analog stick even on the PS1.

“Is that Mickey Mouse?”

-on the Heartless crest

Between this and giant Donald Duck AKA Guard Armor, I think Josh might need to get his eyes checked.

Mickey? Is that you?

“That was the easiest boss of the game, and I know she’s about to turn giant and it’s going to get harder.”

-on Maleficent

You know, it does get pretty predictable. There’s Jafar and Genie Jafar, Oogie Boogie and Oogie’s Manor, Ursula and giant Ursula…you could maybe even include the mini battle with just Clayton before he hops on his lizard friend. 


“The fact that you have this memorized concerns me.”

-on Riku, part two

Josh beat Riku, hula skirt edition, on just the second try, so he doesn’t understand the true pain of the opening cutscene. Not to mention the fact that Final Mix gives you the merciful ability to skip it. I swear, this one and Maleficent Dragon are burned into my brain. This Tumblr screengrab pretty much sums it up:

“Look at the way I walk.”

-on Heartless swagger

Poor Shadows. Not only have they lost their hearts, but they walk like weird little bugs trying to be human. It’s another example of something I had never taken the time to notice in the game, but once Josh called it to my attention while he was wandering around Hollow Bastion as a Heartless, I couldn’t un-notice it.

Why are you laughing at me?

“Is this actually a Jesus narrative?”

-on resurrection

Josh has been pointing out Biblical parallels to me this entire game. I mean, there are trinity marks scattered all over the worlds, so it’s a natural connection to make. As the resident religious studies scholar of Talk This, I don’t know that it really holds up. I mean, pretty much all stories have some Biblical references in Western culture, so the comparisons are inevitable. I’d love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on the matter though!

The Holy Trinity

“Let’s do a comparison here. Check out that booty she’s showing off. She knows what the guys want to see.”

-on Yuffie…again

I’m not going to dignify this quote with another image. Yuffie is barely in the game! How has she been featured in every single edition of this blog series?

Hey Goofy, Donald…could you leave me and Kairi alone for a minute?

-on reunions

…so that they can cuddle! Obviously! This is a family-friendly blog of a family-friendly Disney game, so cuddles are definitely what’s on the agenda.

Look how snuggly they are!

 “This is going to be the introduction to my dissertation”

-on the Ansem reports

Did I mention that Clickbait Philosopher has been laughing his head off at this game? Is it possible that I forgot? How are the Ansem Reports so bizarre? Why do they sound like they were written by a thirteen year old who was feeling angsty as heck? Does the limit for number of rhetorical questions in a single report exist?

Josh discovered the Ansem Reports once he got booted back to Traverse Town from Hollow Bastion, and now he’s going to base his career on analyzing them. You heard it here first, folks!

Tune in next time for the penultimate edition of Clickbait Boyfriend Plays Kingdom Hearts!  

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