Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 2 Much Exposition, 2 Little Time…Not.

“I’ve been thinking for the past hour that Roxas is an anagram for ‘Sora X'”

-on being a clever boy

Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 2 Edition is back! We’ve taken a month off in order to effectively simulate how long this tutorial feels. Convenient excuse? Never!

Without any further ado, let’s rejoin Roxas and clever anagram guy Josh in their Twilight Town adventures.

(PS- Want to relive the best of Clickbait Boyfriend? You can read all the past blogs here!)

“Damn, Kairi’s all grown up.”

-on glow-ups

Just kidding! We’re actually taking a quick detour to Destiny Islands. Kairi got hit with the puberty stick.

Kairi Kingdom Hearts 2 Schoolgirl

Oversized shoes are part of the uniform.

“I wish I understood what was going on and why they’re wearing slutty schoolgirl outfits.”

-on bemusing wardrobe choices

It seems like Destiny Islands Prep Academy does not follow the fingertip-length rule. It’s probably hot and humid on those tropical beaches!

Josh actually shared the last Clickbait Boyfriend post because, as he put it, he “didn’t weirdly sexualize any Disney characters.” So much for that.

“This game is really taking me for a journey here. What the heck is going on.”

-on Ansem’s reveal

This is just the first turn, dude. We’ve got a few more exits, u-turns, merges, and off-road detours to emabark upon before this whole Ansem journey is even halfway through.

Kingdom Hearts is impossible to follow.

“It’s like, five is a nice even number. Five could be it.”

-on the never-ending tutorial

Could be worse. Could have opted for:

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days Logo

Why isn’t it just 179 Days?

“I thought I was gonna have to do one of those Riku race things. Am I? I am, aren’t I?”

-on traumatic flashbacks

Josh and I literally ran a half marathon three months ago, and I still think the Riku race might be his most difficult running experience to date. Fortunately, none of Roxas’s friends are wannabe Usain Bolts.

Usain Bolt and Riku Racing

They even dress alike.


Speaking of which, have you seen Emma’s excellent video on the tutorial of the original Kingdom Hearts yet? You should check it out, and subscribe to our Youtube channel, Talk This Sisters!

“Am I fighting a trash bag?”

-on a new kind of Heartless???

Imagine how dangerous Twilight Town’s litter problem might become.

Stick figure throws heart into the trash.

Remember to recycle your heart. There’s a Nobody who might need it.

“Best moment of any of the Kingdom Hearts games.”

-on trash doggo

Not a Heartless, just a smelly pup. I wonder if he’s related to the Dalmatians (get it? Because it’s one of the seven wonders of Twilight Town?).

Sora as a Shiba Inu Kingdom Hearts 2

If Goofy can be a talking dog, why not everyone?

“”This is grating, this is horrible, this is so much worse than I expected.”

-on hitting rock bottom

I warned Josh that the first few hours of Kingdom Hearts 2 would be tedious, but maybe I should have been more hyperbolic.

Summer never has to be over Roxas Meme.

It already feels like it never ends.

“Oh s#!t, this is that thing, this is that thing from the end.”

-on recurring Heartless

Seems like everyone has a Darkside. 

Darkside Heartless Kingdom Hearts 2

It’s funny, because this kind of Heartless is called a Darkside.

“Damn! Emma played for thirty one hours?”

-on save data

If you’re paying sixty dollars for a game, you’ve got to get your money’s worth. According to Emma, that time doesn’t even include the final boss sequence.

Girlfriend telling boyfriend he's been gaming for too long.

Me, telling Josh that he’s been playing for too long. Click the picture for a truly delightful WikiHow.

“I’m really throwing away my life, aren’t I?”

-on late-night gaming

Imagine what else you could do with those thirty-one hours. Actually, don’t. No one should shame you for playing video games. They’re art. When you play Kingdom Hearts or Ms. Pac Man or Splatoon 2, you’re appreciating a work of art. No one would make fun of you for spending thirty-one hours over the course of a month or two reading or going to museums or basket weaving. You are allowed to like the things you like even if other people think they’re unsophisticated, or even if you think they’re unsophisticated! This message sponsored by exhausted unpaid artistic intern Madelyn, who is sometimes too tired to read her fancy books at night or even play her silly games and just wants to watch stupid videos on Youtube.

“They’re not as orb-y and good anymore.”

-on munny

At least they haven’t gone orbless yet. Sora’s probably too young to apply for a munny card.

Donald Duck throwing money at Donald Duck

Munny makes the world go ’round.

“I’m starting to get very invested in this, holy crap.”

-on Stockholm Syndrome

Just kidding! Roxas and friends do have a compelling story. It’s just Dickens length when it should have been a set of haikus.

Keep Calm and Love Kingdom Hearts 2 Bumper Sticker

Spoiler Alert: In upcoming editions of Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 2, Josh does not keep calm

 “Where are the Disney characters at?”

-on noticeable absenses

To be fair, there weren’t many in the original Kingdom Hearts tutorial either. Still, at least give us some new stained glass!

Full Disney Cast of Kingdom Hearts 2

Oh look, there they are!

Hell yeah! This is the best!

-on dual-wielding keyblades

It’s pretty baller. 

Ring of Keys...or is it keyblades?

I feel the same way when I’m looking for the right key on my ring…not.

“They really were trying to appeal to all the kids who played Kingdom Hearts and are now angsty teenagers.”

-on growing up a gamer

At this rate, Kingdom Hearts 3 will be about paying taxes and battling student loans. No Donald and Goofy, because pets aren’t allowed in Sora’s tiny apartment.

Riku is super bitter about the long wait between Kingdom Hearts 2 and 3

None of us are bitter at all.

“Three hours in and this game has more emotional depth than the entirety of Kingdom Hearts 1.

-on the eventual payoff of Kingdom Hearts 2‘s tutorial

What a change of heart, huh? Tell me I’m funny. 

We made it, folks! The Kingdom Hearts 2 tutorial is finally over! We’ve learned how to walk, fight, and open chests, and we’re more confused about the story than ever before! Join us next time for long-awaited reunions, interstellar travel, and Madelyn’s favorite Disney movie of all time. 

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