Folks, I’ve really done it: Clickbait Boyfriend is addicted to Kingdom Hearts. How do I know? Not only did he make it through the cinematics of varying quality, but he’s now poised to complete his fourth game, and of all things, it’s Chain of Memories. Will he make it all the way to the end? Let’s see what’s in the cards…
(Clickbait Boyfriend newbie? Check out every single hilarious post here.)
“It’s cinematic.”
-on rotating the camera at the end of each battle
Clickbait Boyfriend is addicted to making the camera rotate around Sora at the end of each battle. It brings him such pure joy. I think we like these games for very different reasons.
Still, it’s not quite as cinematic as this classic:
“Cloud is kinda dank though.”
-on deck strategy
I’m as big of a fan of Cloud in Kingdom Hearts as anyone else, but his card is a real risk. You have to make sure you’re close enough to some enemies that you don’t just completely whiff and then tousle your hair and make a fool of yourself. But look! Clickbait Boyfriend is arranging his deck! Thoughtfully!!! He’s growing up!
Will Kingdom Hearts 3 give us a satisfying conclusion for the Final Fantasy gang? Only time will tell.
“Donald and Goofy are always so concerned about what’s going on with me. When have I ever checked on them?”
-on the two-way street of friendship
So much for the power of friendship.
Treat your friends well or suffer the consequences.
“#justiceforatlantica.”
-on an opportunity for redemption
“Can I spew water at them to hurt them?” Asked Clickbait Boyfriend shortly after entering the world. Yes, CBB, yes you can. You can also walk and breathe normally, which is a little off-putting.
I have been saving this meme FOREVER.
“Kingdom Hearts has trained me to expect: boss battle with a main character? I’m going to have to die like fifteen times.”
-on Riku
You’ll die a lot and fight the same person five times, but at least no one gets giant in this game!
Can’t make any promises, Axel.
“Do I grind? I grind.”
-on fighting every single Heartless
“Did I just do one where the Heartless attack relentlessly? Why did I do that?”
-on bad choices
It took me a very long time to convince Clickbait Boyfriend that he didn’t need to fight every single Heartless in every single room of the entire game. Even once he had decided to avoid some, he accidentally fell back into his old ways. Level 100, here we come.
Clickbait Boyfriend, center, entering a Relentless Darkness room.
“Where did that come from? Was a Moogle stowed away on the ship?”
-on unexpected visitors
Don’t question it, CBB. Just accept your magical Moogle from the sky.
Who wouldn’t want a Moogle for a gift?
“This is how games work, you keep playing until you lose. Plus, maybe I’ll set a world record.”
-on Tigger Stumps
Clickbait Boyfriend thought this world would be all mini games, and he was right. Much like our experience with level grinding, he refused to give up until long past an sensible score.
Clickbait Boyfriend, center, entering the twentieth round of Tigger Stumps as Madelyn, right, looks on in fear and horror
A visual quote on boss fights:
At least he’s considering a more nuanced strategy.
“Sora is you when you haven’t had enough to eat.”
-on grumpy protagonists
This is a rude and one hundred percent accurate roast.
Sora is HANGRY.
“Innovation.”
-on this nonsense:
“I’ll be damned if I don’t get Superglide.”
-on pointless goals
Another story about unnecessary level grinding: upon reaching the thirteenth floor of Castle Oblivion, Clickbait Boyfriend became obsessed with opening the Door to Rewards. He burned all of his cards trying to open the door, but he was short on green cards (which apparently don’t drop as frequently on the upper floors, if at all). Disappointed, he moved on, leaving the treasure behind closed doors forever. Until he reached the final door of the entire game, and discovered that he did not have enough cards to complete the requirements. Frustrated and angry, he left the floor, not realizing this would wipe away all the cards he had already invested. In his resulting rage, he fixated on the prize behind that first door: Superglide.
In the end he got both. He probably said funny things throughout all of the card farming, but I fell asleep.
Looks cool though.
“These boss battles are ridiculous! This is a children’s game!”
-on struggles
Let’s not open the can of worms of whether or not Kingdom Hearts can genuinely be considered a children’s game at this point. Just pick yourself up and hit continue, CBB.
Well…maybe a dozen times or so I will, but then I’ll win!
“The new special at Outback Steakhouse, bloomin’ darkness.”
-on flowery language
How did no one in localization catch this tremendous phrase from Marluxia?
Maybe he’s got a sponsorship deal?
“I think Pluto is a member of Organization XIII.”
-on bold new conspiracy theories
This was inspired by Pluto’s useless card, where he digs up Moogle Points that you will never get the chance to use. However, I think it’s a theory worth exploring beyond this short-term ire. Pluto is possibly the most mysterious character in the entire series. How has he been traveling between worlds? How has he survived the collapse of multiple worlds? Why can’t he talk like Goofy? Pluto being the true Seeker of Darkness is a reasonable explanation.
Well, this turned out worse than I intended.
“This was the most interesting boss battle of the whole game.”
-on James Blunt…er, Marluxia
To be fair, this game was originally for the Game Boy Advance, so the original boss concepts all had to work in 2D. Probably another factor in the reduced occurrence of gigantic bosses.
BECAUSE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.
“This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if brains exist.”
-on Kingdom Hearts anatomy
Where exactly do memories live in the anatomy of the Kingdom Hearts universe? Because if it’s in the heart or the spirit or something, that makes the brain pretty redundant.
Go away, Union X.
“Maybe you should make that note a little more descriptive.”
-on “Thank Namine”
This is why we forget all about Jiminy, because he pulls stuff like this. Dude has spent the entire series taking copious notes in Sora’s pocket, and he can only manage two words here? Gimme a break, ya dumb bug.
PLEASE AT LEAST DRAW A PICTURE OR SOMETHING
Next week…actually I’m not sure yet! Will Clickbait Boyfriend play through Riku’s half of Chain of Memories, or will he demand Dream Drop Distance? Only time will tell…