Clickbait Boyfriend: You Can Call Me Darkness

Clickbait Boyfriend readers, I could write an intro, but what better way to start off this blog post than with CBB’s greatest Mickey Mouse theory yet?

(Not sure why we hate Mickey so much? The Clickbait Boyfriend archive will make it clear.)

“Mickey has a Keyblade of darkness! Madelyn. I am so glad you’ve been doing the Clickbait Boyfriend series, because I am on record predicting the biggest plot twist in Kingdom Hearts history. Mickey is a manifestation of Xehanort. Actually, I don’t know if he’s a manifestation of Xehanort or some deeper darkness. After they defeat Xehanort, Kingdom Hearts IV will focus on Mickey as an even bigger bad guy.”

-on the twist CBB saw coming all along

There you have it, folks. Forget about the DLC, Kingdom Hearts IV has already leaked, and Mickey is the big bad.

Mickey Mouse I am Darkness Kingdom Hearts

How did I miss this line the first time around?

“Wait. That looks awfully familiar. Is that Terra’s?”

-on the beach Keyblade

Let’s take the fact that CBB even recognized the Keyblade in the first place as a win and move on.

Sora looking at Keyblade Destiny Islands

Honestly, why is Sora even surprised to see another Keyblade at this point? Everyone has one!

“Is he not going to go say hi to his friends who he hasn’t seen?”

-on the Destiny Islanders

Sora believes in the power of friendship until it isn’t convenient anymore. As a New Yorker, I can sympathize. My friends in different boroughs might as well be on another world.

Sora fighting Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie

Also, last time he saw them, Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie were trying to kick his butt three on one. In some circles, this is known as bullying.

“You tell him! Preach! I’m on team Aqua here!”

-on the most righteous of righteous anger

Was the most cathartic moment of the game when Aqua said what we’ve all been thinking for years and ripped King Mickey a new one for leaving her in the Realm of Darkness for a decade? It’s a top contender.

Aqua You're too Late Kingdom Hearts 3

CBB to Mickey Mouse. Aqua is the incarnation of his rage *cue Aggretsuko theme*

“Where’s her special dress-up?”

-on continuity errors

Jk jk, we all know darkness changes your hair and outfit. Otherwise, how can we explain it stripping Mickey half-naked in 0.2 and cutting Riku’s hair?

Aqua with Minnie ears on Destiny Islands

Scrapped footage from development before they remembered that darkness makes you nakey.

“Is this going to be another Disney character fake-out death moment?”

-on definitely killing Mickey Mouse for real

It wasn’t, but can you imagine how many meetings Square had to have with Disney to get permission to even suggest that Mickey was dead?

Mickey Mouse dead in Realm of Darkness

FACE DOWN IN THE DI-IRT, SHE SAID, MICKEY YOU’RE TOO LA-ATE

“Get her! Don’t let her fall back into the darkness! I hate you guys so much.”

-on Team Sora letting CBB down again

Kingdom Hearts doesn’t have the balls to send Aqua to the realm of darkness within darkness. On the other hand, Sora and Mickey are pretty incompetent rescuers so…it balances out to plausible.

Me, inevitably, after next week’s DLC trailer.

“Phase two she’s going to get huge.”

-on boss requirements

They haven’t really done this very much since the first two games, but CBB will never stop expecting it.

Aqua as a giant Kingdom Hearts 3 boss fight

Another scrapped development still of GiantAquaBossLady

“Ugh he’s alive! He just won’t die!”

-on the resurrection of Mickey Mouse

If he died here, he couldn’t be the antagonist of Kingdom Hearts IV. They’re playing the long game.

Mickey Mouse and Aqua

Clickbait Boyfriend (left [sorry you have to be Mickey babe]) when I (right) sleep in.

“Is this the buddy comedy duo I didn’t know I needed?”

-on Demyx and Vexen

Demyx doesn’t need Vexen. He make his own duo with a watery clone!

Demyx and Vexen Kingdom Hearts 3

Just kidding, he’s into it.

“Someone wants to atone…is this where Emma got her Marluxia theory? Because this is seemingly confirming it.”

-on Emma’s unexpected Seven Lights addition

Emma thought Marluxia was going to be one of the Seven Lights, for those who don’t recall because it was literally nine months ago. Missed opportunity there, honestly.

Vexen and Demyx in Radiant Garden

Me (right) explaining to the world (left) that Clickbait Boyfriend kept playing Kingdom Hearts voluntarily.

“Are they both going to cry?”

-on the Organization grunts nobody cares about

What are their names? I am a very big fan of this series but I cannot remember off the top of my head even a little. They’re high-ranking though, the nameless men. I remember that much.

“Oh, was that Aqua’s keyblade? I thought it was daintier.”

-on sexist weaponry expectations
Demyx and Vexen quiet you dunce

Me to CBB and his flowery Keyblade hang-ups

“I wanted to go take a selfie with him! Did I miss my chance?”

-on blowing that perfect shot

Emma managed to get that perfect shot with Sleeping Ven on her playthrough, but alas, Clickbait Boyfriend was too slow on the selfie and missed out.

“No. Why’d they do that? No one forced them to write that line. And why did HJO deliver that line without a hint of irony?”

-on Venty Wenty

Vanitas is a real weirdo, that’s the best explanation I’ve got.

“Thank god, I’m not going to have to do a boss battle.”

-on letting Aqua do the work…unless…

Clickbait Boyfriend did not see playable Aqua coming. Honestly, it was a bit of a letdown to only get to play as her for one tiny fight that wasn’t even as hard as any of her battles with Vanitas in Birth by Sleep. Now, I wonder if its a teaser of more to come in the DLC.

Vanitas what am I going to do with you Kingdom Hearts 3

Me to Clickbait Boyfriend…all the time, actually

“Let me guess: despite just beating him, no, destroying him, he’s going to get the upper hand somehow and I’m going to have to go through a lot of BS to wake up Ven.”

-on painfully accurate predictions

This does basically sum up the post-Vanitas cutscene. For once, a spot-on prediction from CBB.

Vanitas is Nomura, Aqua is this series, the forcefield is my faith that any of this will ever make sense.

“Forcefields can’t break like glass!”

-on forcefield physics

See visual evidence above that, in Kingdom Hearts, they can.

Bodies don't grow on trees, Ienzo

Some bonus science, courtesy of Ienzo

“Oh hell yeah, you get him Jesse McCartney!”

-on the ass-kicking we’ve all been waiting for

Jesse McCartney is the star of this series and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Ven Kingdom Hearts 3

Look at that Beautiful Soul

“Yesssssss!!!”

-on calling him VEN!!!

Welcome back, Ven.

Aqua Ventus and Sora

When you introduce your friend to your other friend and they get along and you feel nice.

Next time: everybody dies.

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