Clickbait Boyfriend: Big Hayner One

Hello there, Clickbait Boyfriend fans! This week, Keyblade Hero 3 is kicking it with the Big Hero Six gang, but all I care about is Big Hayner One: the all-powerful kicky boi. Also featuring Mickey Mouse being taken by the darkness, and some delicious, heart-wrenching ice cream, so everything you need in a Kingdom Hearts experience. 

(First time reader? Catch up on all of Clickbait Boyfriend’s adventures here!

“That’s the kinda s#!t I play Kingdom Hearts for.”

-on “think he’s still got me memorized?”

Aren’t we all glad that Nomura decided not to kill Axel off in Kingdom Hearts II? Not only would we have missed out on his Big Friendship Energy with Roxas, we would have been deprived of iconic lines like this one. I literally cannot use the word memorized (or sanctuary, for that matter) in daily life anymore without having to fight the urge to quote Lea.

Axel got me memorized quote

He’s been pretty busy running around the distant past, but I think Ven probably still remembers.

“There’s a scene they would have never allowed in the first game in a million years. A swarm of darkness carries Mickey Mouse away.”

-on the demon tower

You can’t hear the glee in Clickbait Boyfriend’s voice as he talks about Mickey Mouse being carried away by darkness, but know it’s there.

What a fatal PR mistake by Disney though. Kingdom Hearts has done more to turn this household against the Mouse than pretty much any other Disney property.

Disney (left) realized their mistake in teaching millions of Kingdom Hearts fans (right) to despise their mascot.

GASP this is the scene!”

-on Hayner’s big moment

The most iconic scene from the twenty-seven trailers: Hayner Kicky Boi.

Hayner lingering will kick

Who would win: one Lingering Will or one kicky boi?

“Yeeeeeee–awww man.”

-on the actual kick

And the greatest letdown of the entire game: Hayner Kicky Boi Fails to (re)Connect.

The greatest crossover event of all time.

“I don’t trust him for one second.”

-on Vexen

Clickbait Boyfriend finds Vexen’s turn to the light side vexing.

Me, apologizing to CBB for introducing him to this crazy series in the first place.

“In cutscenes, Sora, Donald, and Goofy are extremely concerned about every minor Heartless they see, but they seem to be able to one-shot any of them.”

-on Cutscene Power to the Max

Despite being roughly ten times more powerful in cutscenes than I am during gameplay, Sora, Donald, and Goofy are about a thousand times more nervous when they see a Shadow running around than I am. The fear makes sense, given that Sora is supposed to be rebuilding his weakened powers. The only problem is that they’re strong AF, so that’s ludicrous.

Keyblade Hero 3

Keyblade Hero 3 are gods, I tell you. GODS.

“This is a disgrace. They just ruined that music for me. They just throw it around like it means nothing here!”

-on the gummi ship theme

Clickbait Boyfriend is talking about the iconic gummi ship music here, but this quote could be about any number of classic Kingdom Hearts tunes. 

Roasting myself here.

“Oh my god, no. They are not eating ice cream up there. No they are not.”

-on thematic resonance

Who’s ready for an emotional punch to the gut? Anyone? Anyone? Ice cream, anyone?

Sora Sea Salt Ice cream

We’re trying out a new design: Sora Salt Ice Cream!

“One man’s modus ponens is another man’s modus tollens, you know what I’m saying?”

-on ???
Sora and Goofy confused

The note that I have taken about this quote is “on that tuku thing,” which makes even less sense than CBB’s foray into the incomprehensible.

“If all the Disney worlds solely exist to lead to puns related to hearts, then they need to seriously rethink what they were trying to achieve.”

-on my ideal Kingdom Hearts game

If this isn’t the ultimate goal of the Kingdom Hearts series, I don’t know what is. Including puns in your art is the highest aesthetic form. 

Why are you acting surprised, Sora? There are hearts EVERYWHERE you literally say this five minutes later.

“There’s a lucky emblem on their clothes!”

-on Chip and Dale

But I can’t take a photo because they’re on my gummiphone! Where’s the screenshot feature??

Chip and Dale KH3

This doesn’t look inappropriate at all.

Next time: Aqua’s waited long enough.

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