Clickbait Boyfriend: Critical Edition

Hey there, Kingdom Hearts fans! Welcome to a very special edition of Clickbait Boyfriend! Kingdom Hearts 3 just released its Critical Mode patch, and since this whole blog series is built on Clickbait Boyfriend embarrassing himself for my amusement, I thought it was the perfect opportunity for a special post. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled Clickbait Boyfriend content next week, but especially after seeing all of Emma’s tweets about her experience, I couldn’t resist making CBB give it a try. Will he rise to the challenge, or just die over and over again? Check out his journey through the beginning of the game below, featuring commentary in the form of my custom Sora emojis!

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Check out his journey through every Kingdom Hearts game here!)

“Dude, this is not going to be fun. I’m putting myself through a whole ordeal.”

-on start menu jitters

“What will my score against the watery Darkside be? 11-1?”

-on well-justified fear of losing

“How did that cute young boy turn into ‘X-blade! X-blade! X-blade!’?”

-on Young Xehanort

“I’ve never even played the game on Proud before.”

-on cranking the difficulty up a few notches


-on choosing Vitality and Guardian, AKA total defensive build

“I’m playing it real defensive, I’m a little scared.”

-on the classic Kingdom Hearts strategy: running around in circles

“Okay. Three hits. I got it now. That was just a test run. I never get hit more than three times in a boss battle in Kingdom Hearts.”

-on false confidence with a reduced health bar

“Jumping off the ground did not help.”

-on failed strategies to dodge Waterside’s attacks

“How do you guard?”

-on controls Clickbait Boyfriend should have learned five games ago

“Check me out m*&#3rf#$%er! First two fights of Kingdom Hearts on critical mode.”

-on defeating the shadows and Waterside 

“I’m good for now! I’m good forever! I’m good for always, I’m great!”

-on rejecting strategic assistance from your loving girlfriend

“How many tries did that take, three? No problem, I’ve got this.”

-on the third time being the charm

“I’m getting goosebumps.”

-on “May Your Heart Be Your Guiding Key”

“I have all my Keyblades but that would be cheating.”

-on playing with integrity

“What just happened?”

-on taking a one-hit KO

I” don’t know why I died. I was perfectly behind the big dude. Nothing even hit me and I died in one hit without being hit.”

-on the Denial stage of grief

“Six tries. That’s how long it took Emma. That’s my benchmark.”

-on getting competitive

“I’m doing good. I’m doing good. Oh nooooo!”

-on death #2

“If any of them breathe in your direction, you die.”

-on the new challenges of Critical Mode

“I’m not a coward Madelyn.”

-on running into a crowd of Heartless

“I’m a coward!”

-on dodge rolling OUT of a crowd of Heartless

“Tell her, tell her I beat her!”

-on beating Emma’s record

“Maybe I will replay the whole game on Critical. This is my ticket to being a good Kingdom Hearts player.”

-on going from zero to hero

“First try!”

-on optimistic predictions

“First try, what did I say?”

-on going the distance!

“This whole critical mode thing hasn’t been as amusing as I thought. I thought it was going to take me like twenty tries.”

-on exceeding expectations

“I did my normal thing of mashing the X button and it worked!”

-on the lowest common denominator of strategy

“I got cocky and I paid the price.”

-on one final, embarrassing death before bed

Well, that was fun! I’m not sure if Clickbait Boyfriend will return to Critical Mode, but if he does, whose emojis would you like to see next?

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