Apparently, we’re still operating on Kingdom Hearts time here in Clickbait Boyfriend land! Thanks readers, old and new, for your patience with this week’s (which was supposed to be last week’s) post. It’s been a busy few weeks at Talk This NYC HQ, with papers and shows and half-marathons and magically expanding to-do lists, but know that this blog has taken precedence over “cleaning the apartment,” so I do have my priorities in order. This episode is powered by copious amounts of Halloween candy, so let’s get spooky!
Last week was the one year anniversary of Clickbait Boyfriend, which makes it that much more appropriate that now, we’re wrapping up the last fully playable PS3 title of the series. Let’s finish strong with the Final Episode of Birth By Sleep! Time to kick it off with a classic CBB line:
(Psst! Are you new to Clickbait Boyfriend? We’re glad to have you! Check out the rest of the series here!)
“I’m ready for everything to make sense.”
-on high hopes
Oh Clickbait Boyfriend. Never lose your childish naïveté and your unshakeable optimism.
“Is she giving Ven a piggyback?”
-on supporting your friends
When times are tough, friends carry each other through it. Literally. See tomorrow’s Split Screen post for another example.
“It’s gonna be Destiny Islands.”
-on the best place to take a nap
A lot of important stuff does go down on Destiny Islands. Pretty much whenever a character is going somewhere mysterious, you can put good money on Destiny Islands.
“Nope, somewhere lame instead.”
-on other places to take a nap
…but you know what happens when you fall asleep on the beach? You become a tomato person. And if you do that over and over again? You become an old, leather beachman. Ventus deserves better than that fate. Frankly, my preferred napping spots are “somewhere lame.” Excitement is not generally a quality I prize when I’m looking for somewhere to catch a few winks.
“What? Is this it? Is this finally it? Is this the secret? This is the secret isn’t it?”
-on delayed gratification
Remember when Clickbait Boyfriend was so excited to finally receive the knowledge entitled to Keyblade Masters a few weeks ago, and then the game didn’t throw him even a tiny bone? Finally, his patience plays off.
“When you were playing this, you probably thought ‘when Josh gets to this he’s gonna freak out.'”
-on secrets revealed
For once, Clickbait Boyfriend’s analysis is spot on. When I finished the Final Episode, I was super pumped because I knew Josh was going to lose his mind over this.
I mean, not that he’s going to finally understand everything, nooooo. But I knew it was going to be a good, bloggable moment.
“Castle Oblivion!!! *shrieks*”
His joy when secrets are revealed is so pure. *tears up*
“That simultaneously explains something and nothing at all.”
Well, that was short lived. Clickbait Boyfriend is far too analytical to simply accept the explanations he’s been given, and Kingdom Hearts is far too confusing to just give straightforward answers!
“This is it, this is where I see some s#!t go down. Am I going to see all the Nobodies get created, I betcha I am, I betcha I am.”
He’s back to the bargaining phase.
“That was creepy that was not appropriate for a children’s game.”
-on handsy Terranort
Right before their final confrontation, it really does look like Terranort is going in for a boob grab.
“I never noticed the single fingerless glove. It’s not a great look.”
-on bold fashion choices
Aqua’s got the sleeves, Terra’s got the glove. It did just occur to me that it’s possible just to protect his hand from blisters and the like while using his Keyblade, but that seems more practical than Tetsuya “Twelve Belts Isn’t Enough” Nomura is capable of in character design.
“Oh my god, no way did I just do that.”
-on victory, part one
I mean, there are more bosses to defeat, so in a sense, CBB you are correct. No way did you just do that.
“THAT DUDE. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THAT GUY AGAIN.”
-on the Guardian
Is anyone ever going to explain what the Guardian is? I mean, obviously it’s some kind of manifestation of the darkness in Xehanort but what is it? I can’t help but feel that maybe it’s going to play some kind of key, horcrux-like role in Kingdom Hearts 3.
“The whole point is to hit the boss, not to constantly dodge roll.”
-on the drawbacks of strategy
It’s almost as if Clickbait Boyfriend hasn’t played three full Kingdom Hearts games.
“He really does just want a hug.”
-on the Guardian
Even embodiments of darkness need love!
“That reminds me…f#ck yeah!”
Why is Birth By Sleep so packed with half-baked features? Who asked for this bizarre, half-assed version of a Kingdom Hearts first person shooter?
“He’s gonna turn giant! He’s gonna get on the giant demon space ship.”
-on OG Kingdom Hearts throwbacks
Not quite, but good try.
“He just turned himself into a Heartless!”
-on DARKNESS or something
Did he though? I’m honestly not sure. All of this endgame nonsense is hurting my brain. Was a Heartless created when Terranort stabbed himself with the Keyblade? What about a Nobody? What is going ON?
“Isn’t this where Mickey and Riku were?”
-on the Realm of Darkness
For once, Clickbait Boyfriend is able to recall a location from a previous game! Now, that memory raises all sorts of other questions about why Mickey never said a word about Aqua and the gang to anyone, but shhhhh let’s not think about that now.
“Oh my god, don’t give me the montage.”
-on the credits
We need our happily ever afters or Disney will pull the rights!
“Everything has been enlightened.”
-on Huey, Dewey, and Louie
CBB has to learn not to look a gift horse in the mouth. We found out what happened to everyone’s favorite immortal duck trio. Sure, nothing else makes sense, but at least we can cling to this scrap of knowledge that will surely be pivotal in Kingdom Hearts 3.
“So this is where Axel develops a taste for his sea salt ice cream.”
-on tasty desserts
One of our favorite flavors at our favorite ice cream shop is Salted Chocolate, so I get the appeal. Throw in a few more memorization requests and a lot more hair product, and I could be Axel.
“Who’s that? That looks like Sora’s face? What the hell’s going on here?”
Just kidding, Xion.
“There’s zero point to any of this, that’s the secret!”
-on too-appropriate titles
You’ve cracked the code, Clickbait Boyfriend. None of it means anything. It’s just a game.
…that’s what they want you to think.
And that’s a wrap, everyone! Clickbait Boyfriend has officially finished Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep! But readers, next week, the adventure continues! We’ve got some cinematic fun coming up with CBB’s takes on 358/2 Days and Re:Coded (although calling that one fun is charitable). Even more exciting: Clickbait Boyfriend is currently playing through Re: Chain of Memories! Long-time fans will remember that we watched the cutscenes from CoM on double speed before CBB started Kingdom Hearts 2, but Josh has never actually played the game in all its bizarre, card-fueled glory. Last but not least, we’re only about three weeks away from #PS4BlackFriday, so send some good vibes for deals when we finally cave and upgrade to a current system.
As always, thanks for reading! We’ll be back on schedule next week!