Clickbait Boyfriend: Glow-Up Me Hearties Yo Ho!

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me
We Keyblade, we blizzard, we selfie, and spend
Drink up, me hearties, yo ho
We ride on attractions and look for our friends
Drink up me hearties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me
(First time reader? Catch up on all our Clickbait Boyfriend posts here!)

“Is this just fourth wall breaking? Nomura realizing this is a dumb character?”

-on Demyx

Demyx spends basically his entire appearance on the Buttes of Darkness getting roasted by Larxene and talking about how dumb he is, but that’s a character trait, not a developer comment.

Me (right) when Clickbait Boyfriend (front) tells me he thinks he understands Kingdom Hearts (back).

“A lot of questions about how that instrument works.”

-on how to make water dance with a guitar

Clickbait Boyfriend plays guitar, so I think all of this hate is really coming from a place of jealousy. If only his acoustic could conjure dark, watery figures to clean our apartment.

Xehanort and Demyx cereal bowl

“Was that an unironic use of ‘uber?'”

-on Larxene’s out-of-date slang

Girlfriend has been around since the Keyblade War, she’s just trying to be hip with the lingo!

Larxene KH3

The quote in question

“I know Marluxia appeared in Union X. I’m straight up crying because of how dumb this is. Are they all ancient beings who survived since the Keyblade War?”

-on improbable longevity

I love Kingdom Hearts, but I have a hard time getting into the Union X stuff. I know it’s going to be important. I know I need to understand it if I’m going to ever hope to be ready for Kingdom Hearts IV: Sora vs. A Bunch of People in Animal Masks. But it is hard to get psyched up for learning that Demyx is a thousand years old and still acts this way.

Little did we know how true this would become. We STILL don’t know.

“Here I am, blowing tens of thousands of munnies on cake blocks. Now I have to go perform in the streets just to make a living wage.”

-on living a hard knock life

We all have our vices. I can’t resist buying clothes with loud patterns. Emma spent thousands of yen on capsule machines on our Japan trip. Clickbait Boyfriend and Sora need to have a space ship made of pastry. They work hard to earn their munny just like anyone else; it’s not my place to judge how they spend it.

Gummi Ship Cake

Real picture of CBB’s ideal gummi ship

“Did they have to summarize the entire plot of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 in song at the start of the world?”

-on getting everyone ship-shape and up to speed

“I will say it: Jack Sparrow looks pretty damn good. Shmack Shmarrow has graduated to Jack Sparrow.”

-on graphics upgrades

“Is that Shmorlando Smloom? What a glow up!”

-on redemption for Will Turner

This is incredibly high praise from Clickbait Boyfriend.

Jack Sparrow and Will Turner KH 3 Glow Up

Looking good, boys!

“Keira Knightley has looked better though.”

-on not quite going three for three

 I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think it’s really Shmeira Smightley’s unmoving hair that does her in. The face isn’t perfect either, but there’s a cutscene at the end of The Caribbean where she looks much closer to human, and my theory is that it’s because her hair is wet. Still doing Keira dirty on this one. 

Keira Knightley KH3 glow up

Looking…better? Girl?

“Okay, I’m either going to love this or hate this.”

-on sailing the high seas

 My take is that it’s just too much exploration content for too little payoff. If I’m not rescuing puppies, I’m not interested in exploring every corner of your world. 

“So, we do have a destination, right?” Wrong. Welcome to open world gameplay, Sora.

“I now I know why they skipped to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. This entire world is going to be a cheap pun around the fact that this movie is centered around Davy Jones heart.”

-on seizing the opportunity for a bad joke

 I would have done the same thing if given the opportunity.

It was actually a build up to this pun. 100 times better than just the heart in a box.

“Me after I get a tenure-track position. ‘Why would they have sought me out if not to affirm my intellectual prowess and advance my research?'”

-on Vexen

 Clickbait Boyfriend has found his Kingdom Hearts spiritual doppleganger. On a side note, if he doesn’t eventually teach a “Philosophy of Kingdom Hearts” course, we’ll have to seriously evaluate our relationship. He’s already got a whole blog series worth of course notes!

Vexen and Luxord Pirates of the Caribbean

CBB (center) explaining to his interviewer (left) why he should get the job.

“I find Luxord to be one of the least compelling Organization members. I don’t know if it’s his plot, or his character, or the fact that he just looks so dumb.”

-on roasts that have aged well

 Oh boy, there’s a lot to unpack here now. But first of all, #WhoIsLuxord??? According to Clickbait Boyfriend, he is the worst, but I think Nomura has bigger plans in mind. 

Luxord KH3

Luxord looks dumb here, but he’s got a withering critique of my belief that Nomura knows where this is going.

“Do I have any breath meter? This is great!”

-on unlimited swim time

 As always, it is unclear whether Sora is a human or just a creature that appears human in all ways but is not. Can he breathe underwater, or is Donald doing some funky magic to give him that power? We may never know. 

“They knew that Atlantica was the best level they ever made and they had to recapture it.”

-on CBB’s undying love for the original Atlantica

 Clickbait Boyfriend just really loves swimming, apparently. Look out for stingrays, Sora!

“Donald has a bodacious badonk! Look at him showing it off, shaking it in the water.”

-on two cursed sentences

It’s quotes like this that make me regret starting this whole series in the first place. Anyway, have a video of Daisy Duck spanking Donald Duck that was censored from the non-Japanese release of Kingdom Hearts II:

“I’m sorry, this whole game is suspiciously convenient! Weird that someone just left a chest with a Mythril stone lying around!”

-on questioning the very nature of the medium

 Look dude, if you’ve got a problem with randomly dispersed treasure chests, we’re going to have to have a talk about video games in general, not just Kingdom Hearts. If anything, happening upon an unexpected treasure chest seems more likely in The Caribbean than in most gaming worlds. 

Treasure Map Pirates of the Caribbean KH3

He’s even got a treasure map!

“I’m gonna say something controversial: first Atlantica? Better underwater level. That kinda felt like a wasted opportunity to me.”

-on definitive water world rankings

 Is this controversial? I’m not sure anyone has stronger feelings than Clickbait Boyfriend about this. I’m pretty sure this feeling once again stems from the relatively dark and blue-grey tone of The Caribbean versus the cartoonish colors of Atlantica. CBB just wants some underwater pizzazz!

Sora and Ariel in KH3

CBB (right) forever chasing that Atlantica high (left)

“What if Captain Jack Sparrow is one of the seven lights?”

-on unconventional heroes

 I’d choose Captain Jack over Mickey Mouse any day of the week. Too bad we already saw in Kingdom Hearts II that he can’t even hold a Keyblade, let alone wield one. 

The real seven lights

“It makes me nervous that I haven’t fought any of the Organization members yet. We’re looking at 30 boss battles. Each Organization member twice, on average, and then like five more for Norty.”

-on an ambitious slate of boss battles

Spoiler alert: there are not thirty boss battles at the end of Kingdom Hearts III, but I wish there were! The end of this game did not feel quite as sprawling and epic as the typical climactic boss sequence in this series. Fighting Ansem the Giant Spaceship in a dozen different battles at the end of the first game really set my expectations for every Kingdom Hearts game. Would I also be complaining if Clickbait Boyfriend had been right and I had to fight five hours worth of bosses in a row without a save point? Probably. 

Kingdom Hearts III Ultimate boss progression

My attempt at the boss progression Kingdom Hearts III deserved

“These crabs are going to help fix the ship? Is that what I’m intended to believe?”

-on stretching the limits of your imagination

 Yes, that is what you are intended to believe. It’s not anywhere near the most unbelievable thing that’s happened in this series. I doubt it even cracks the top twenty. 

Vexen close-up

Vexen is just as skeptical

“They wouldn’t give me an arbitrary fetch quest and then not make the effort I put into it worth it, right?”

-on the relative value of crustacean gathering

 Ooooh, Clickbait Boyfriend is getting crabby

Goofy thinks you’re a loser for falling for this. Donald is also here.

“That is not the appropriate reaction to your friend telling you he’s a duplicate and turning into crabs.”

-on major underreactions

 At this point, nothing phases Sora. Finding out that Jack Sparrow is really FakeJack HundredsO’Crabs? Dude has like twenty other hearts in his heart. This is child’s play. 

“Worst firework ever.” -Sora, probably

“I can’t wait to find out what’s in that effing box.”

-on yet unsolved mysteries

 Spoiler alert: no dice. Get it? Because Luxord likes to gamble? Maybe the DLC will drop a few more breadcrumbs. 

The DLC boss fights, revealed!

“Did he just defeat a member of Organization XIII with his breath?”

-on the power of halitosis

Maybe Jack Sparrow can be one of the seven lights after all…

Clickbait Boyfriend (right) saying another ridiculous quote to me (left)

Next time: Big Keyblade 3 takes on the darkness in San Fransokyo!

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