It’s here: the last installment of Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 2! I can’t believe this day has finally come. I really thought CBB was going to quit somewhere in Deep Jungle in the first game, but here we are. All that stands between Clickbait Boyfriend and finally understanding this game is a couple dozen boss battles. Just kidding! He’s never going to untangle the web that is Kingdom Hearts. In the words of Ansem, I mean Xehanort, I mean Xehanort’s Heartless, “one who knows nothing can understand nothing!”
On that uplifting note, let’s cheer Clickbait Boyfriend on to victory!
(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? We’re happy to have you! Catch up here)
“Oh no, the guitar dude is going to show up.”
on the Hall of Empty Melodies
Clickbait Boyfriend plays guitar, so I think he was secretly hoping for a heavy metal rock battle. Alas, no such luck. Instead, we get this guy:
“In a game full of ridiculous weapons and ridiculous characters and ridiculous hairstyles, he has got to be the most ridiculous.”
– on Saïx
Saïx is pictured above, and I’m not sure I agree here! Yes, his elaborate fountain pen/ornate spear looks like it belongs in a Nintendo DS special edition collector’s pack, but I think his hair is positively normal compared to most of the Organization.
I’ve got two of the four down.
“That’s sexist. She gets a flowery frickin’ keyblade?:
-on Kairi
Kairi deserves something a little more bad-ass after all she’s been through. Not that flowers aren’t bad-ass! Fight like a girl, Kairi!
She should have gotten one with monster trucks or skulls or action figures on it or something
“What narrative purpose have Pete and Maleficent served?”
-on unthreatening villains
I’m not sure who thought that Pete would be a good fit for this universe. Maleficent was at least genuinely threatening in the first game, but Pete was a joke from the moment he stepped on the scene. With Organization XIII stepping into the role of main antagonist during this game, Maleficent is a weird relic of KH1 who is only made less intimidating by her choice to team up with a giant cartoon buffoon. I hope they have a more coherent role to play in Kingdom Hearts 3, because in this game, that role was “irritating distraction.”
One key boy already won several confusing plot twists ago.
“Hello darkness, my old friend.”
-on Secret Ansem Report 3
The Secret Ansem Reports are really, really moody.
A count of how many times “darkness” is spoken in each game.
“I never understand what’s going on in this game, but I love it.”
-on the nature of Kingdom Hearts fandom
WE HAVE CONVERTED HIM.
This picture is always relevant
“So wait, the Nobodies should be called the Heartless? This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”
-on misleading names
This is yet another reason why I don’t believe that Nomura had this whole tangled web of plot planned out from the beginning. It is unnecessarily confusing that the creatures that contain hearts are called the Heartless and the actual heartless creatures are called Nobodies. It makes no sense.
Now that Emma has me thinking about translations on a weekly basis in our My Hero Academia Split Screens, I do wonder what the Heartless are called in the original Japanese. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that it’s a localization issue. Probably not, though.
“Is anyone going to explain where everyone is getting these robes?”
-on fashion
Josh has a real conspiracy theory concerning these robes and our favorite rodent gaslighter, Mickey Mouse:
“Puberty hit the dude pretty hard, man.”
-on Riku
To be clear, he’s referring to the real Riku, not Ansem-Riku. That would be a rough glow-up.
Riku’s not the only one.
“He’s definitely going to turn giant, because this is too easy…he says, getting his ass kicked.”
-on Xemnas
I was talking to Emma about the giant boss thing the other day, and she didn’t believe me until I listed seven or eight examples.
The dangers of anagrams in children’s games.
“No…it’s like a gummi ship level! No!”
-on dreaded boss fights
Who is the person at Square Enix who is responsible for the gummi ship? I feel like there’s got to be one person on the team who loves it, and that’s why things like this keep happening.
You can make it look as pretty as you want, but it’s still a glorified gummi ship.
“Had to bring up the ‘eleven to zero.'”
-on carrying Riku at the end
Josh is still holding a grudge from all the times Riku kicked his ass on Destiny Islands back in the day.
“Oh I’m hype about this. I’m ready to jam out.”
-on Sanctuary
Cue the waterworks.
“This is vaguely reminiscent of ‘Numb.'”
-on Sanctuary again
The remix version does have some angsty flair.
—
Guys, this is kind of emotional! Clickbait Boyfriend started playing these games as a complete newbie, and now he’s made it all the way to the end of Kingdom Hearts 2. It’s been such a delight to share these games with him, and with all of you readers.
I remember finishing Kingdom Hearts 2 for the first time right before I left for my freshman year of college. I had played through all of the games (well, what I considered all of the games at the time: Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts 2) that summer, and I remember feeling like some part of my childhood had come to a close. Dramatic, am I right? In a way though, it did mark the end of my video game life for about three and a half years. Time really does fly. All this to say, it’s been so rewarding to share these games that I love with people that I love! Let’s all do more of that.
But our Clickbait adventures aren’t over! Josh has grown from Kingdom Hearts skeptic to a full-on fan, and with just about six months until Kingdom Hearts 3 drops (!!!), we’ve got to get him up to speed!
That’s right! Clickbait Boyfriend: Birth By Sleep is coming soon!