No King Mickey to be seen
A plot that resists summation
And I’m feeling Simple and Clean
Couldn’t understand this game, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Ask Nomura why does he do this to me
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know–*
(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Catch up on the full series here!)
“Sora’s neat moves handle almost the exact same way as Spider-Man.”
-on the Marvel Extended Universe
Believe it or not, Clickbait Boyfriend plays games other than Kingdom Hearts. Hard to believe, I know. Somehow, without my bearing witness to more than the first thirty minutes of the game, he managed to beat the new Spiderman game. Shout out to his Ph.D. program for providing time for his daytime video game sessions. Who knew that airstepping and webslinging were so similar?
And they both love to take selfies!
“This is another example of a world that doesn’t live up to its aesthetic potential.”
-on grey, grey, and more grey
To be honest, the reliance on relatively blah, neutral backgrounds didn’t bother me until Clickbait Boyfriend started grousing about it all the time. He’s right though. It’s a waste that so much of Arendelle is taken up with running around dark, icy tunnels. I was hoping it would melt at some point during Sora’s journey there and reveal the colorful kingdom, but no dice, just ice.
The downs being “incredibly dull backgrounds like this one”
“I’m fighting with yo-yos! This is amazing!”
-on keyblade transformations
Those Keyblade transformations are crazy, yo.
Sneak peek of Kingdom Hearts IV
“Dog, you have blizzard!”
-on not being so impressed with Elsa
This has bothered CBB since the trailer for Frozen was released last year, but it doesn’t make that much more sense now. Maybe Sora has some hardcore imposter syndrome about his magic abilities? Even Jack Skellington could use Blizzard, it’s not just Donald Duck’s forte.
aMaZiNg!1!1!1
“I have never seen Frozen. This is a good test, because there are very few Disney worlds in the Kingdom Hearts universe that I haven’t seen. Hunchback, I kind of got most of it, but it helped that I got to go through it twice. It will be interesting to see how much of the story I can glean from this.”
-on cultural blindspots
I tallied up all the Disney worlds from the games where I haven’t seen the movies. We’ve got Tron (both versions) and the direct-to-DVD The Three Musketeers. Clickbait Boyfriend has somehow managed to completely avoid Frozen mania, and somehow, I don’t think the Kingdom Hearts version is going to sell him on it.
Clickbait Boyfriend learning the plot of Frozen for the first time
“So far her writing has gotten better, which isn’t saying much.”
-on Larxene
Poor Larxene. It’s tough to be a woman in a man’s world. It’s tough when Demyx is the Title IX coordinator
Not quite as catchy as “Got it memorized?” but it’ll do.
“Are they gonna sing Let it Go? They better sing Let it Go.”
-on injecting some musical theatre
Believe it or not, they are going to si–
“Are we gonna get a song sequence? No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”
-on why you should be careful what you wish for
Someone’s running a little hot and cold here.
Clickbait Boyfriend is somehow all three of these guys at once
“This is unreal. This isn’t happening.”
-on things that are, in fact, happening
This is it. This is the moment that breaks CBB. Not the reveal that Ansem isn’t Ansem, not Mickey Mouse getting back on his BS for the umpteenth time, not even watching Re:coded. It’s “Let it Go.”
“This picture is too on-the-nose.” -CBB
“Kingdom Hearts has had a difficult relationship with Disney songs.”
-on “Swim This Way”
Clickbait Boyfriend has not forgotten about the wrong done to Atlantica in Kingdom Hearts II, and he never will. He can’t…let it go.
Will this song be in the new movie?
“Oh, that’s the same character as the other one.”
-on Elsa’s new dress
But really though. Clickbait Boyfriend does not know anything about this movie. I was stunned.
Elsa literally can’t believe it.
“Thank god his shield isn’t the frisbee-sized one.”
-on shield surfing
Either our terrific trio would have to get very cozy, or that would be the end of Donald. The Death of Goofy ReMix: Donald Edition.
Jk, Donald would 100% push Sora off and never look back
“You do a lot of shield surfing just like this in Breath of the Wild.”
-on links between games
Did I hear someone say Sora for Smash? Alternately, is Xehanort just another incarnation of Ganon, and we’ve been playing an elaborate Legend of Zelda game all along? Crossovers within crossovers within crossovers!
And they both love to take selfies! Somebody get Spiderman up in here!
“You were just in a world full of toys, you idiot.”
-on meeting Olaf
Sora the Islander has seen toys before, but he’s never seen a snowman, let alone a talking one! Cut him some slack, CBB.
He just experienced some moderate head trauma, let the boy live!
“We need to talk about how this is literally me and you.”
-on Anna and Kristoff
I’ve always identified as more of an Elsa than an Anna, but Clickbait Boyfriend does bear a passing resemblance to Kristoff, so I’ll let him have this one.
Kristoff is CBB, I’m Anna, Sven is our dog, Sora is you, the reader, wondering why I keep making this same joke.
“These two need to shut up. They need such an attitude adjustment”
-on Donald and Goofy, looking for Olaf
I had an unreasonably difficult time with putting Olaf back together, so I listened to Donald and Goofy whine for like a full ten minutes (maybe more, I’ve tried to block it out). Fortunately, Clickbait Boyfriend was better at this dumb minigame than I was, but Donald and Goofy still managed to be whiny brats about it. Go look somewhere else, ya lazy bums!
It’s no big deal until EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE OLAF
“I’m sorry, did Anna just get killed? I’ll just hope that’s going to be explained.”
-on being a true Frozen newbie
The power of love unfreezes her heart, okay? This isn’t just Kingdom Hearts nonsense, it’s Frozen canon. We’ve found the power of (heart)warming, but where’s the power of waking?
Sora, Donald, and Goofy have no f*#%s left to give
Next time: let’s set sail on the high seas, mateys!