Clickbait Boyfriend: Merry Key-Mas!!!

The holidays are here, and Clickbait Boyfriend is hoping that Santa will bring him some Kingdom Hearts answers under the tree. Merry Key-Mas to all (some pronounce it X-Mas, but the meaning is the same) and to all, seven lights!

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Spend your holiday catching up on all of our past blogs here!)

“For a while, this was rehabilitating Mickey’s image, but now he’s showed up in three different worlds in different guises. He’s a triple agent, a quadruple agent. He’s a heptuple agent, he’s got some tricks up his sleeve.”

-on smelling a rat

Remember how Clickbait Boyfriend was almost charmed by Mickey Mouse last week? The spirit of Key-Mas must be one of darkness, because that era of charity and forgiveness is over. Mickey Mouse is one of the thirteen darknesses, and you can’t convince us otherwise. He’s way too shady of a character to be part of the light.

Mickey Mouse Come to the Darkness Fellas Kingdom Hearts

Leaked KH3 screenshot. Crazy how many of these I’ve gotten access to.

“Sora, use your words!”

-on hitting Mickey’s score

Sora is not the most mature fourteen (?) year old of all time. On the plus side, he still has the friendship-building capabilities of a kindergartener. On the minus, he still thinks that hitting is the answer to a lot of problems. Go see the school counselor, Sora.

Sound Idea Dream Drop Distance Meme Africa Mambo Small World


“Honestly, to dispel my darkness I need a sound idea.”

-on the Realm of Final Exams

Clickbait Boyfriend had some very tough final assignments this semester, and was playing through Symphony of Sorcery right at the height of his journey through the Dark Realm of exams and papers. A Sound Idea might have been working on his assignments and playing less Kingdom Hearts, but shhhh I need him to provide content.

Mickey mouse Sora Sound Idea Dream Drop Distance

Clickbait Boyfriend (left) searching for answers from his supportive but sleepy girlfriend (right)

“Your hubris will be your downfall.”

-on Link Portals

Clickbait Boyfriend and I have been really impressed by the size of the areas in Dream Drop Distance. Compared to previous Kingdom Hearts games, they are absolutely massive. The downside of this is that when you die, you can lose a pretty significant amount of progress. This happened to me with frustrating frequency on Proud Mode, but Clickbait Boyfriend also fell victim to an ill-timed attempt at a Link Portal challenge. Sometimes, we all need our egos cut down to size.

Sora hands over ears frustrated Kingdom Hearts

Clickbait Boyfriend (pictured) after learning he would have to fight through the whole area again.

“This is so cool! Aww man, this is making me want to watch Fantasia.”

-on a nostalgic success story

For once, a break in the cynical commentary! Enthusiastic Clickbait Boyfriend is so cute.

Walt Disney's Fantasia Cover

How will he reconcile his love of Fantasia with his hatred of Mickey though?

“So maybe this Xehanort we’ve seen is the reconstituted one, and that explains some things, but Ansem and Xemnas shouldn’t be around then, right?”

-on difficult questions

I asked Emma to explain this, and her answer was “Time travel. I don’t know.” I think that speaks for itself.

Xehanort trust nobody not even your nobody yourself meme

Get wrecked, ya old coot.

“I gotta give it up this game: aesthetically it’s the best one so far. A cut ahead.”

-on PS4 magic

Like I said, Clickbait Boyfriend is pretty impressed with the graphics. In a bonus quote, he told me that the PS4 was worth it just to play the Kingdom Hearts games alone, and if that’s not good marketing copy for Sony, I don’t know what is.

Kingdom Hearts graphics comparison

To be fair, the contrast is a lot less stark on our itty bitty TV.

“Am I playing tambourine?”

-on the power of music

In the Symphony of Sorcery Reality Shifts, you are indeed playing tambourine. Clickbait Boyfriend is a guitarist, so I think this is some kind of indignity for him. Speaking of music and indignity, check out this incredible Christmas video that I forced Emma to make!

“I don’t think I really liked him much at first, but I’m starting to like him more.”

-on Riku

Probably the best, most concise summary of Riku’s character arc out there. 

Riku stunned castle oblivion chain of memories

Riku is stunned both by Clickbait Boyfriend’s dislike and by his realization of love.

“It couldn’t be one or the other, it had to be dreams and time travel.”

-on having your cake and eating it too

This is not a series known for its narrative restraint.

Goofy we promised to keep smiling chain of memories


“But he wasn’t wearing the right robes, was he?”

-on Ansem…er Xehanort on Destiny Islands

I could try to spin some kind of explanation about how Xehanort isn’t using the Organization coat to travel safely in the Lanes Between (that’s what it’s for, right? Plus looking cool?), he just literally has no body and we need a way to represent his spirit. That’s a possible design explanation. More likely is that Square hadn’t come up with any of this nonsense yet and they just made a mystery man in a brown coat and they’ve been kicking themselves about it for years.

One who knows nothing can understand nothing ansem kingdom hearts

Man, those PS2 graphics are rough, huh? Also rough: knowing/understanding nothing

“It’s like they’re calling attention to the fact they rehashed the first game so many times.”

-on spiraling narrative

It does make me feel a little better that the development team is at least aware of the fact that they’ve used the same story in five games across a decade plus. Is Dream Drop Distance just one big attempt to stitch together all of the continuity errors and puzzling creative decisions of eyrs past? Sure, but let’s give them some credit for trying!

Can I copy your homework Kingdom Hearts story meme

Emma told me you can’t copy off yourself, but just let me have my memes, okay?

“I’m so mad. I’m straight up so mad.”

-on bittersweet revelations

I can’t even argue with this one. I was equal parts mad and just straight up stunned by that whole first-person Xehanort flashback. Kingdom Hearts makes less sense when it makes sense.


Next time:…well, readers, we have a problem. Clickbait Boyfriend and I are at home with family for the next few weeks, but I’ve reached the end of my quotable Kingdom Hearts content! Never fear: we’ll come up with some kind of bonus episode next week. Do I smell a Clickbait Girlfriend? Or even a Clickbait Sister? Check back next week for some surprise content!

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