Clickbait Boyfriend: No One’s Ever Loved You Before

Gutentag, Clickbait Boyfriend fans! Even though everyone’s favorite perplexed Keyblade master is out of the country, we’ve got plenty of thoughts, musings, and confused outbursts to share! This week, we’re peering inside Toy Box and all of its many mysteries. What are the ethics of murdering other toys? When did Woody become the coolest character in the Kingdom Hearts universe? Who is Yozora? Seriously, who???

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Visit our archive for all the hot takes!)

“What? This isn’t Toy Story?

-on Verum Rex

The Verum Rex fake-out is honestly peak Nomura. How dare you open the Toy Story world with a cutscene from a fake Square Enix game? Clickbait Boyfriend did not know what was going on.

“No, this is Final Fantasy right?”

-on more Verum Rex Confusion

Seriously, he thought there had been some mistake.

The Final Fantasy crew got excited for a minute. Sorry guys.

“That’s not Tom Hanks. They got Colin Hanks???”

-on the forgotten brother

Nope, they couldn’t even get Colin Hanks! It’s Jim Hanks, the third Hanks brother, a moniker I’m sure he loves. Apparently he fills in for Tom relatively often. Maybe I can get Emma to play me on the podcast a few weeks a year…

Woody is having an identity crisis.

“The combat in this game is too much. One second I’m fighting, then I’m on a chariot, then I’m on a pirate ship, then Goofy is flinging me all over the place.”

-on combat overstimulation

“Too much” is the design philosophy of the series.

Don’t forget about Stitch. That really pushes it over the edge.

“First person shooter?”

-on the robot mechs

Now that you mention it, Kingdom Hearts III does feature vastly more FPS elements than any previous game in the series. Unless you count shotlock, which…I don’t.

I also feel like a plastic toy when asked to play a shooter

“Who’d have thunk it? In Toy Story Land, the currency is still munny.”

-on universal economic systems

What is munny? Why is it considered valuable? Someone please write an in-depth analysis of the economic system of these worlds.

“Don’t stick your Keyblade into the socket!”

-on basic safety precautions

Sora doesn’t know anything about conductors. He should be more careful when he casts Thunder!

“I feel like I’m in Bioshock or something right now.”

-on robot mechs part two

A terrifying instruction.

“Here’s some ludonarrative dissonance: they’re murdering other toys.”

-on stuff we try not to think about

Look, we don’t think too hard about Toy Story, okay? There’s enough to cry about in this game already without thinking about toy homicide (toyicide?).

Clickbait Boyfriend (Buzz) and I (Woody), murdered by another bizarre plot twist in this game.

“Wow, we have this incredible world with all of these interesting aesthetics, let’s make it all take place in vents!”

-on baffling design choices

The climax of Toy Story 2 took place in vents, so there’s precedent! But yes, the Disney worlds in this game do have a tendency to veer into dark, enclosed, blah-looking spaces.

Rejected plot idea: Mr. Potato Head is a replica.

“That’s f#&king terrifying. An episode of The Twilight Zone called Talking Tina has ruined me for possessed toys.”

-on traumatic childhood experiences

Maybe Tina got a new hairdo and found a new home for her creepy villainy.

A little off on the name there, CBB. But yeah, this is scary.

“Is Donald not going to heal me?”

-on yet another let down

Donald is better in this game, but not that much better.

“This whole Hidden Mickey thing is going to be really damaging for my psyche.”

-on Lucky Emblems

 Oh younger Clickbait Boyfriend. You don’t know the half of it.

Now we see them EVERYWHERE.

“Who did the voice acting for Young Xehanort? Because he sounds like a lifeless, emotionless…maybe that’s the point.”

-on complex acting choices

It’s called a performance. Look it up.

Haidanort is upset by this blatant attack.

“Amazing. Iconic. It’s like they know it’s a meme.”

-on ‘my friends are my power’

My fRiEnDs ArE mY pOwEr!!!

“Don’t tell me Woody is about to be the one who takes down Young Xehanort.”

-on unlikely heroes

Who was the lucky soul at Disney that got to sign off on Woody’s BRUTAL takedown of Young Xehanort? “I bet no one’s ever loved you before” tops Ven’s “Yeah, well at least I have some!” for best Kingdom Hearts roast of all time.

Thank goodness he didn’t fall into evil hands

“Dog, this is a dope boss battle.”

-on the toy space ship

A rare moment of praise from Clickbait Boyfriend! Let’s savor this moment and remember that he actually likes these games.

What is that elephant thing?

“I would just like to point out that the fact that Sora turned into a Heartless and was reconstituted with the power of love means that he shouldn’t have a body.”

-on playing Kingdom Hearts as a philosopher

The big takeaway from this week: don’t think so hard, Clickbait Boyfriend.

Should I make a set of Heartless emoji to match the Sora ones?

Next time: Fabulous hair, sick moves, and finding out who the real idiot is.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *