Clickbait Boyfriend: Rat Restaurant

Clickbait Boyfriend fans, I’ve been lying to you. I’ve billed the most recent few blogs as Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 3, but that’s not the truth! It’s only this week that Clickbait Boyfriend finishes his run of Kingdom Hearts II.9, and finally embarks on the Kingdom Hearts 3 adventure that you’ve been promised. I blame Nomura. I always blame Nomura.

(First time Clickbait Boyfriend reader? Explore the archive here!)

“I just had that pop of realization. I know exactly how they’re going to save Aqua. Hmmm, she connected with a lot of people, some dwarves, Cinderella, Phil hitting on her, and this girl she met at some point, not like she’s an important character or anything, and Aqua gave her some special power…”

-on making connections

Oh man, wouldn’t that have been an interesting arc for Kairi? Sending a pure light into the darkness to save the lost Keyblade master who had saved her years before? Give me a playable Kairi, and that would be just the perfect little quest. Sigh.

Kairi You don't have to have a personality if you were only a plot device meme

This meme has more personality than Kairi in KH3.

“They were like ‘we can’t have them walking around in Organization XIII robes, even we know that’s too confusing.'”

-on new game costume changes

Apparently there are other ways to block darkness than wearing all black cloaks after all. Technology!

Riku haircut new outfit.


“A gummi block, it’s going to be a gummi block.”

-on Chip and Dale’s gift

I mean, he’s not wrong.

Gummiship Moogle Kingdom Hearts 3

If only we could design phone cases so the gummiphone could look like a Moogle too.

“Do I have a Nintendogs feature in here?”

-on mobile gaming

The mobile games on the gummiphone are pretty lame, to be honest. That said, there’s some ethnical weirdness about caring for a virtual dog when your best friends are a dog and a duck.

Nintendogs Dream Drop Distance

I’ve used this before, but it’s still relevant.

“He’s hot.”

-on Ienzo

A literal hot take from CBB, but the important question remains: where does Ienzo fall on the Kingdom Hearts Hotness Continuum? Does he surpass the Daisy Duck gold standard? CBB, please report back.

Ienzo #testpost instagram keystagram

Obligatory #testpost post. It’s Emma’s favorite.

“I identify strongly with him. He’s sexy and he’s an academic.”

-on Ienzo…and ego

Ienzo has probably read whatever the Disney version of Sartre is and contemplated the futility of existence. We’ll ignore the rest of that comment.

Sexy Zexy Personality test meme Kingdom Hearts 3

Do you identify with my personality test version of Ienzo/Zexion too?

“This is quite the gummi level!”

-on broadening your horizons….literally!

That’s right, we’ve gone open gummi world! I’m personally of the opinion that it’s probably the best version of the gummi ship yet, but still: nobody asked for this.

Gummi to the old town road Kingdom Hearts Red Dead Redemption 2

Took my gummi to the old town road…

“Did they take a look at No Man’s Sky?”

-on surprising sources of inspiration

There are probably gummi ships somewhere in No Man’s Sky, you’d never know.

No Man's Gummi

This is like one of our game mash-ups gone very very wrong.

“I’m just imagining them scrolling through their phones liking each other’s Instagram posts.”

-on the pull of social media

Sora does have a bad habit of pulling out his phone to take selfies in the middle of battle, so he’s already pretty deep into gummiphone addict territory.

Not a gummiphone in sight. Just people living in the moment Roxas and Xion

Too soon?

“Twilight Town is more populated than I remember.”

-on a baby boom? Nicer weather? Refugees?

Sure, we could chalk it up to the increased processing power of the PS4 to generate NPCs, but isn’t it more fun to speculate about what’s been going on in the week or so of Twilight Town time that’s elapsed since Kingdom Hearts 2? My bet is that it’s the gentrification that’s followed Scrooge McDuck’s trendy new eatery.

I'm craving ice cream Twilight Town Kingdom Hearts 3

Sora, changing the subject when a Twilight Town resident starts talking about building a gummi wall.

“It’s one of the darkest Kingdom Hearts yet in terms of the stakes, but it’s also one of the goofiest.”

-on thematic clashes

To be honest, isn’t that what we all love about Kingdom Hearts? It gets more and more adult and complex with each passing game, and yet you’re still running around with Disney characters and posting on Instagram. If that doesn’t capture teenage and young adulthood, I’m not sure what does.

Death of Goofy Kingdom Hearts 2

Nothing will ever be darker and goofier than this.

“This is like their call out to Deep Jungle.”

-on the Twilight Town woods

What if Deep Jungle was supposed to be a huge part of the Kingdom Hearts lore? We lost a whole side-plot of Donald cheating on Daisy with Terk the gorilla, and who knows what else?

The thirteen darknesses Kingdom Hearts 3 plus Clayton

It was originally going to be fourteen darknesses.

“Tell me this isn’t the Haunted Mansion. Tell me this isn’t going to have Schmeddy Schmurphy.”

-on untapped Disney crossovers

Clickbait Boyfriend has a weird fixation on the Haunted Mansion in Kingdom Hearts. Can you imagine if they dropped that right in the middle of Twilight Town? Gotta save that one for Kingdom Hearts 7.IV when we don’t have any Disney worlds left.

Eddie Murphy Kingdom Hearts Haunted Mansion Halloweentown

If only we could have more party members in the Halloween Town days…

“That guy has a deep rich baritone. That guy just reeks of testosterone.”

-on Xemnas

Xemnas is definitely the manliest man in the game, and he’s not even technically a living man. Step up your game, Mickey Mouse (also not technically a man).

Xemnas manly man Kingdom Hearts 3

Is he singing, smelling the testosterone, or both?

“Sora has his back turned on the two most powerful enemies that he’s ever fought.”

-on poor strategic decisions

This is an ongoing problem in Kingdom Hearts 3. Sora has supposedly lost all of his powers, but the members of the true Organization XIII also seem to have been nerfed. I know Ansem and Xemnas are talking a big game about also wanting Roxas back which theoretically justifies not lightsabering/Guardianing Sora to kingdom come, but these guys required like a dozen boss fights apiece across the previous games! Show them some respect with sustained, cautious eye contact, Sora!

Ansem and Xemnas Me and my bff on twin day

“It’s a tart.”

-on Little Chef’s creation

Clickbait Boyfriend is officially smarter than Sora! At least on a culinary front. Also a reminder that a RAT is RUNNING this RESTAURANT. I don’t care how trendy it is, I would never go.

Little Chef and Sora full size Kingdom Hearts 3

Sneak peek of the Kingdom Hearts Disney experience, featuring Little Chef’s Interactive Bistro!

“I saw that coming from a mile again. In the Clickbait Boyfriend you have to say ‘Josh is a very cultured boy who has a sophisticated gustatory sense and he’s very intuitive.'”

-on becoming too self-aware’

Well, it’s in the post, so my obligation is fulfilled.

Lucky Emblem Tarte au fruit

Sora, I think I found a lucky emblem!

Next time: cutscene character development (or not), gummi grades, Merlin magic, and more!

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