Clickbait Boyfriend: Re:Codename Useless

Clickbait Boyfriend fans, I swear, this post would have been on time this week, but when I went to check on it to post on Tuesday, I discovered the data had been corrupted! I had to go on a crazy adventure through my memories of Clickbait Boyfriend watching Kingdom Hearts Re:Coded led by Data CBB to repair the post. 

What, you don’t believe my riveting, not-at-all-nonsensical story? Then you, like me, might find Kingdom Hearts Re:Coded to be bizarre and irrelevant to the series as a whole. Based on the trailers for Kingdom Hearts 3, Nomura seems to have a different view (how? why?), but if you’re a Re:Coded hater, you’ve come to the right place.

Full disclosure: Clickbait Boyfriend did not watch the whole movie, but a highlight reel of my curation. I did watch the whole thing a few months ago when he was away visiting family, and let me tell you, that was a major mistake. How many times do we need to replay the events of the first game before everyone gets it? Evidently, at least four. Get ready for some shade to be thrown.

(Reading Clickbait Boyfriend for the first time, or the first time in a while? Catch up on the whole series here!)

“They had just watched The Matrix and were like ‘hold my beer.'”

-on storytelling inspiration

All stories about computerized versions of the world must be compared to The Matrix in one way or another. It’s a universal storytelling law.

Kingdom Hearts The Matrix

Laurence Fishburne is still there. Also, looking good, Goofy.

“Can’t believe it’s in comic sans.”

-on typography

Not sure who on the design team made that style choice, but it has endured through the games. At least it’s not Jokerman. 

Kingdom Hearts comic sans

“Riku is actually evil, I’m calling it now.”

-on making a portal home.

Clickbait Boyfriend is playing the long game with his prediction here. Sure, DataRiku is nothing but a good guy in Re:Coded, but Kingdom Hearts 3 looks to be a different story.

Re:Coded evil data Riku

RIP “Too Bad He Won’t Be In Any More Games”

“Classic Kingdom Hearts. They don’t want you to HAVE to have bought all the games.”

-on forgetting everything that happened

Once, I was young and naive like Clickbait Boyfriend. I truly believed that, because everyone in Re:Coded would lose their memory of the events of the game, and because this game is a garbage fire, I too could forget. But alas, with the appearance of data blocks in the Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer, all hope was lost.

Kingdom Hearts 3 play all the side games tumblr meme

I used to be like dudewraith-the-exalted, but now I’ve come around to princess-xion’s side.

“Is there gonna be an Ansem bug?”

-on entirely reasonable predictions

Ansem’s got to be around somewhere. He always is, in one form or another.

Xehanort yehanort meme rdr2

Another version of an Ansem bug, AKA Kingdom Hearts meets Red Dead Redemption 2

“Me, all the time in this game.”

-on “gosh, I don’t have a clue what’s going on”
DataRiku more juice Re:Coded

Will a little more juice help, CBB?

“Oh no, not a Roxas boss battle! My PTSD!”

-on traumatic experiences

If you’ve been following Clickbait Boyfriend since his Kingdom Hearts 2 days, you’ll remember that the boss fight with Roxas was an emotionally harrowing experience for him. There’s substantial video evidence.

Jesse McCartney is a Nobody Roxas

At least he’s got a Beautiful Soul

“Oh my god, at least explain something to me first.”

-on Roxas’s exit

Please, Roxas, make the existence of this game make sense! What’s that? You’ve got conflicting feelings about your own existence? Save it for 358/2, dude, tell us what the deal is with this data BS!

Sora and Roxas trust nobody not even your nobody

He couldn’t be trusted.

“They’re gonna be Ventus’s.”

-on other people’s memories

Ten points to Clickbait Boyfriend! Well done!

Ventus my arch rival presumed dead I lived

He lived.


-on “you kinda lost me a few minutes ago.”
Sora Re:Coded you kinda lost me a few minutes ago

I used this screenshot last week already, but frankly, I’ve showed major restraint given that it could have appeared in literally every edition of this blog

“I’m ready to finally understand everything that is going on and not be confused at all. This is the key.”

-on unlocking secrets

Was the key pun here intentional, or is Clickbait Boyfriend so desperate to understand this game that he’s speaking its language without realizing it? The world may never know.

Sora and Goofy Kingdom Hearts conspiracy wall guy

CBB (left) attempts to explain his latest Kingdom Hearts theory to me (right)

“Yes, is that Yuffie? Yuffie, my love!”

-on Xion

The Kingdom Hearts Hotness Continuum isn’t as much of a fixture on the blog as it once was, mostly because we haven’t seen Daisy Duck in awhile. But it seems safe to say the Xion and Yuffie would receive close to identical ratings. Girls could be sisters.

Yuffie is that supposed to be leon xion

No Yuffie, it’s Xion!

“I don’t really feel like I understand anything better, but good try.”

-on the best laid plans

Is it so complicated that it’s impossible to understand? Or is this game so dumb that there’s nothing to understand at all???

Kingdom Hearts Re: Coded is useless, change my mind

More like “you can’t change my mind.” Nomura: “Well, actually…”

“Xigbar? Braig, Braig Braig.”

-on anagrams
Braig Xigbar typing at a computer

Clickbait Boyfriend desperately trying every anagram of Xigbar

“*Primal scream*”

-on Ven’s heart

Full disclosure: Clickbait Boyfriend and I watched the highlights of Re:Coded in midst of his playthrough of Birth By Sleep one day when he was sick. This still shouldn’t have been a surprise to him at this point, but the revelation was a little fresher.

Sora thirteen years of my life and everyone in his heart

Should probably see a cardiologist.

“So this is setting up 358/2?”

-on timelines

Well…not exactly.

Goofy and Donald Computer Kingdom Hearts 2

Goofy, booting up 358/2.

“What? Are you telling me that I missed that?”

-on young Xehanort

I thought for sure that the credits were going to spoil the bonus scene. Young Xehanort is listed before he ever appears! Fortunately, Josh was too focused on whether or not he had seen Kairi or on some Disney character actor or something, and he didn’t see it. Close call there!

Young Xehanort glowing eyes

Pictured: Josh realizing time travel is a factor here.

When did Xehanort lose his luscious head of hair?”

-on aging

Oh Clickbait Boyfriend. Let’s see how your hair is doing in a few decades, and then we’ll revisit things question.

Xehanort wanted hair comic

Baldness! True Baldness!

Next time: 358/2 Days! Plus…a bonus Clickbait Boyfriend video this weekend?!?!?!?!

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