Happy Halloweekend, Clickbait Boyfriend fans! Despite my best efforts, Clickbait Boyfriend is not going as Dark Mickey Mouse this Halloween (we saw the costume at a store and everything!). In honor of the holiday, this series is rising from the dead, and we’re jumping right back in where we left off, on the verge of the end-game. CBB Is afraid of what will come next, and I’m afraid of what he’ll say, so we’ve got spooky fun ahead, no doubt.
(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Read the whole archive here!)
“You better get those recusant sigils off your chests right away, guys.”
-on poor fashion choices
Aqua and Ven have been cut off from the trends the past decade. It’s not their fault they don’t know that Xs are out!
“Why does every scene have to end with them making fun over Sora? ‘You’ve saved the world multiple times, but f#&k you, Sora!'”
-on toxic friendships
My friends are my power except when they brutally roast me multiple times a day.
“Poor guy! Axel, you poor thing!”
-on understanding nothing
Axel is all of us, trying to keep straight how many Rikus and Xehanorts and Soras there are, and which of them live in each others’ hearts.
“This is like an actual gummi mission. I don’t like this at all.”
-on being asked to actually fly this silly ship
Gummi missions should just be Galaga, you can’t convince me otherwise.
“Am I supposed to believe there’s a giant Death Star orbiting the Keyblade Graveyard?”
-on gummi Darth Vader’s secret plan
Star Wars is a Disney property, so based on this gummi mission, it doesn’t seem out of the question.
“Look at his veiny head!”
-on Xehanort HD
“Oh I got glide? Hell yeah!”
-on CBB’s favorite ability
Clickbait Boyfriend believes he can fly. He believes he can touch the sky. Just not in a gummi ship, don’t make him do that
“What I’ve gotten from this cut scene is that Donald and Goofy are the only useful ones in the group.”
-on Sora’s friends being his power
More like “what I’ve gotten from this series,” am I right? And Yen Sid doesn’t even really acknowledge them as full guardians of light. These two don’t get the respect they deserve. Donald even heals you relatively promptly these days!
“Do not tell me to calm down about the climax of Kingdom Hearts III.”
-on feeling your feelings
“Get on your choo-choo train again, friends.”
-on the greatest of all attractions
No one in the game ever really explains how attractions work, or whether we are meant to take them as canon, but if so, why can’t Sora just ride the Heartless Destroyer Express all the time? Seems like it would make the whole quest a little easier.
“That didn’t feel earned. It was just a nameless Heartless swarm.”
-on faceless, underwhelming villains
I mean yeah, if this was really the ending of the game, going out in a tidal wave of Shadows would be pretty disappointing. As would the decision to kill the entire main cast before a single fight with the villains. As would training Lea and Kairi to wield Keyblades only for them to get their butts kicked every single time they–oh wait, that did happen.
“Okay. Good game. I liked it. Kind of an abrupt ending, but felt like it brought everything full circle.”
-on Sora’s death
Or maybe Clickbait Boyfriend would have liked it better this way? He’s a hard one to read.
“I have no idea what the rules of this game are. That’s definitely cheating. Come on, Eraqus!”
-on wizard chess
Who would have known that cheating at magic chess as a teenager would cause Eraqus to grow up to almost murder a child with no darkness in his heart? Stick to the rules, kids.
“Just when we thought the metaphysics of this game couldn’t get any weirder.”
-on Sora’s magical resurrection
I keep trying to convince Clickbait Boyfriend to write a paper about Kingdom Hearts, and he keeps insisting it will “hurt his career” and “his professors won’t understand.” To riff on a favorite wise figure of mine, how will they understand anything if he won’t help them know something about it?
“Ugh, what is this? The Final World? Ughhhhhhhh.”
-on yet another classic Kingdom Hearts twist
As you might have intuited, Clickbait Boyfriend was not pleased about this development. You got to see Mickey Mouse destroyed by a wave of darkness dude, count your blessings. If this is the payment for that moment, isn’t it worth it?
“I refuse to accept that a Chirithy from a mobile game is going to be, pardon the pun, key to the ending of the series. If they hadn’t mentally prepared me for this with the trailer, I would be five times as mad.”
-on FEELING your FEELINGS
In hindsight, the trailers really did give a lot away. On one hand, it would have been cool to have a few more surprises in store. On the other, at least it stopped CBB from throwing our tiny TV out the window.
“We finally get confirmation that death exists.”
-on long-awaited answers
It’s taken more than a decade, but finally, a definitive answer. Our panic over Goofy’s short death way back in Kingdom Hearts II was warranted.
Next time (coming sooner, I promise!): coming to terms with death and a lack of cooking skills.