Clickbait Boyfriend: Stairway to Heaven

Hello there, Clickbait Boyfriend readers! This week, Sora finally makes it to Scala ad Caelum, Kairi takes social distancing a little too seriously, and Ansem once again does not turn into a spaceship. There’s not a Led Zeppelin joke to be found except the title image, I promise. 

(New to CBB? I have good news for you! You can enjoy the entire archive here!)

“Why didn’t he turn into a giant spaceship? Last time I had to kill him like seventeen times, six of which were a giant spaceship! And this time, I just do one measly boss battle and it’s over!”

-on a diminished Ansem

Ansem really lost a step or two since he got his butt kicked seventeen times by a pre-teen and then had to have his heart transplanted into a replica somehow.

Ansem is pretty tired of CBB bringing up the spaceship every time he’s on screen.

“Very pessimistic take on the human condition!”

-on Xemnas (and Sora’s!) take that life is pain

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life right now. No darkness allowed.


“Dude just took a fall! Jesus, all of his bones!”

-on Sora, plummeting from attacking Xehanort

Sora has been able to manipulate gravity since game one, and now has the ability to literally run up walls, so it seems safe to say he can mess around with gravitational force to protect himself from the impact. But yikes, that looked painful for us non-Disney humans.

This is pretty much what 2020 has felt like.

“What kind of insurance salesman did Xehanort have to consult for that one?”

-on Xehanort crystalizing Kairi to use as “insurance” until Kingdom Hearts is opened

I don’t know, one specializing in darkness, okay? You never ask if the gummi ship has insurance as a teenager without a license pilots it around the galaxy, so let’s not dip our toes into the Kingdom Hearts insurance market. 

Me to CBB all the time in during our self-isolation.

“Can you imagine if fifteen years ago Disney had known their mascot, their main character, was going to say a line like that.”

-on something to do with Mickey

Can you imagine fifteen years ago how much Clickbait Boyfriend would grow to hate Mickey?

Ignore the mouse in front, look at that beautiful new sky!

“How can anyone in this game just be like ‘understood!'”

-on characters either much smarter or much dumber than us

Are all of the characters of Kingdom Hearts just incredibly brilliant, or do they know better than to question anything going on around them at this point?

To be honest, Ventus does not look like he actually understands, but he’s not about to say that.

“Remember how I was hoping this DLC would answer questions? The prospects aren’t looking great.”

-on narrative pessimism

At this point, I’m not even sure what Clickbait Boyfriend wants to understand, or what getting answers would look like. Maybe I fall more into the “just say ‘understood’ and go kick some darkness butt” camp than I thought.

Anyway, here’s chunky Animal Crossing Sora! He is an islander!

“I’m wary because this is the one goddamn new area of the game that seemed like it was going to teach me something about this world, but last time all I did was fight goat boys. I’m hoping this time for some insight, but I’m wary that all I’m going to do is fight more animal boys. Nomura, if you’re watching, please help me learn something from this. Please Tetsuya.”

-on one man’s desperate plea

CBB always gets stuck on a few key elements of each game as a pet peeve, and the goat bosses are definitely one of the big ones from Kingdom Hearts III. They’re the new Atlantica from Kingdom Hearts II. 

I’ve made this joke like twelve times in the last three blogs, but me, to myself, in my apartment, during this endless quarantine.

“Do I need to keep beating red Heartless to get pieces of Kairi’s heart? Is that the kind of enriching content they thought I wanted?”

-on very creative battles

They obviously saved all of the creative boss work for the data battles, and I can’t blame them. 

This Heartless do be looking fresh though.

“Took a selfie with Kairi!”

-on posing with Kairi’s heart piece

Splitting yourself into pieces and keeping them apart from each other takes social distancing to a new level.

They’ve taken Kairi’s heart like a million times, if you’re keeping track.

“It is kind of cool to get to explore Scala Ad Caelum.”

-on hard-won praise

This was one of Clickbait Boyfriend’s top requests for the original game, so I was extra glad to see it play out in Re:Mind! In Kingdom Hearts III style, it’s pretty gigantic. I would have liked to have seen more to do in Scala than just run around and look for Kairi, but I tend to value action over exploration in games as a matter of taste (see also: my inability to get into Breath of the Wild). I imagine we’ll be back again someday for more.

Me (left), Emma (center), and CBB (right) exploring Japan back when international travel and leaving the house was allowed.

“Thanks Sora! Gee, I wonder what I’m supposed to do?”

-on “it looks like I can climb this wall!”

For someone who has spent years complaining about the fact that, without any guidance, you have to go back into a tent you’ve already been into in Deep Jungle, someone’s being a little bratty about some helpful observations from our pal Sora.

“Do I have to do Water?”

-on getting a fountain up and running

I doesn’t really make sense that you don’t use Water here, but Sora subscribes to the belief that hitting something is the best way to fix a problem, and in this case, he’s not wrong. 

It’s a fountain, it feels like a good Waterza should do the trick, but noooooo.

“The facial animations for Xehanort…it’s just his mouth moving *does the laugh*”

-on impressions I never want to hear again

Xehanort’s laugh is a little unsettling. I do feel like video games haven’t quite mastered realistic mouth movements yet. They’re really close, but if you pay too much attention, something always seems a bit off. I can’t say I pay that much attention to what normal mouth movement looks like though, so maybe I’m being overly harsh. 

You know, the more I look at it, the more I think Xehanort needs to invest in a comb for that scraggly beard.

“Not goat boy again! Why a goat? I just don’t get it!”

-on bosses we fortunately get to skip this time around

See what I mean? He hates the goats.

On fighting the Goat Boys again, or, On buying toilet paper on the black market.

Next time: Mickey effin’ Mouse.

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