Clickbait Boyfriend: Tangled Story Web

Grab your hairbrushes, Clickbait Boyfriend fans, because things are about to get Tangled! We’ve got mood swings from characters and from CBB! We’ve got yet more disrespect for Daisy Duck! We’ve got discussions of ludonarrative dissonance! And Marluxia is here, looking fabulous. Put on your dancing shoes, and let’s jump in!

(First time Clickbait Boyfriend reader? You can explore the whole journey here!)

“Mickey’s not gonna do that. Mickey is all bark and no bite.”

-on checking with Ienzo

Full disclosure: when I re-read this quote in my giant Clickbait Boyfriend Quote Compilation, I couldn’t remember what it was about. This happens relatively frequently, usually when I’ve been too lazy to make a contemporaneous context note to help out future Madelyn. This time though, I had the exact note I used above, and I still couldn’t remember the exact reason. Mickey Mouse hate is so ubiquitous from CBB that it starts to all blend together.

He was going to talk to Ienzo about replicas for Roxas, in case you were wondering. 

Riku on replicas…but also Mickey Mouse all the time.

Tangled was subpar.”

-on mildly controversial takes

Over the past few weeks, I’ve discovered that Clickbait Boyfriend has some bizarrely strong opinions on pop culture figures that I didn’t think anyone even thought about on a regular basis. We were watching the Tonys (hello theatre nerds!) and I found out he hates James Corden? Has anyone ever had a strong thought about James Corden other than that he’s perfectly fine? 

He apparently also thinks Tangled was pretty bad. I know there are some big Tangled fans out there, but I didn’t realize anyone thought it was worse than “pretty okay.” Sure, it’s no Mulan, but it’s also no Brave (#sorrynotsorry). 

It’s okay, Rapunzel! Plenty of people like you!

“I feel a little attacked by her mood swings.”

-on Rapunzel (and, uh, me)

There’s nothing wrong with having a lot of feelings, okay? 

Be careful, or you’ll feel attacked by her frying pan!

“Of course they had to choose the one with the most fabulous hair for the Tangled world.”

-on Marluxia’s luscious locks

Some say that clothes make the man, but in Organization XIII, hair makes the Nobody.

It’s tough to maintain that kind of dye job!

“I did not see the splash command.”

-on failing to make the most of attractions

Clickbait Boyfriend has come a long way from his days of refusing any strategy except mashing the X button, but he still doesn’t monitor the mini menu as vigilantly as he could. In this case, he missed out on the climax of creating his own not-so-lazy river.

Wait, not that kind of Splash.

“When I’m playing as Sora, I whack everything with my Keyblade. This is a little ludonarrative dissonance, because Sora did not whack that thing with his Keyblade.”

-on player-character disconnect

It’s interesting to think about how much of any game we’re supposed to take as canon. Obviously (or maybe not so obviously, if the Sleeping Worlds theory is to be believed), I’m not supposed to think that Sora died several times trying to fight the first Heartless on Critical Mode. I’m probably not supposed to think he spent a bunch of time spinning around in circles looking for Lucky Emblems when he could have asked Donald and Goofy to be more specific about where they saw one or, you know, gotten busy saving his friends or whatever. And I highly doubt I’m meant to believe that Sora eats a full four course meal before super difficult battles to boost his stats, right? Some of these are based on player choice, but even some less than realistic inventory choices make you think.

Compared to all of that, a teenage boy whacking a bunch of boxes with a giant key just because he can feels positively normal. 

CBB, showing you he knows what ludonarrative dissonance means.

“Why did Marluxia feel the need to introduce himself? They got very well-acquainted in Chain of Memories. Like, Sora knows who he is. Wait, no he doesn’t. Sora forgot all about Marluxia. I was trying to make fun of them for being idiots, but I’m the idiot.”

-on memory and self-discovery

Sometimes, your biting snark bites back. 

This would probably work better with a Facebook friend request from someone you knew in high school, but I just updated my LinkedIn so we’re going with a social network Sora would never in a million years use instead.

“I think Donald has a crush on Rapunzel.”

-on disrespect for Daisy Duck

It’s Terk all over again. Donald has a real wandering eye.

All Daisy ever wanted to do was love him and he had to get mixed up in that Mickey Mouse Keyblade nonsense.

“Did that monkey just spank its butt at me?”

-on disrespectful Heartless

Have we ever addressed why specific people/creatures turn into specific Heartless? What kind of heart does it take to produce a butt-spanking monkey monster?

I couldn’t find a spanking animation gif, but I think this conveys the same idea.

“Am I just stealing their ingredients? I’m a monster!”

-on kids these days and their misCHiEF

It’s hard out there for an urban forager. You’ve got to remember that you’re serving a higher goal: subsidizing an uber-fancy restaurant owned by an avian angel investor. 

Please, I’m too tired to cook!

“This is the dumbest thing ever, but man Sora’s got some moves!”

-on getting jiggy in the town square

When did Sora learn to dance? Maybe Beast taught him during one of his stints in the party?

“Sora gained the power of waking!”

-on waking up (not my finest caption, but it does the job)

We haven’t seen Sora sleep normally since the very beginning of the first game. All of his shut-eye since that nap on the beach has been long and full of darkness (and not the normal sleep kind). So he could probably use some normal sleep training. Maybe the power of waking is just being able to get a solid eight hours a night. 

Or maybe he just needs an alarm clock.

“Sora has Cure! And a bunch of potions! Ya idiots!”

-on Rapunzel and Flynn’s near-death experiences

It does feel like it would be worth a try while our Tangled pair was on death’s door. I guess Donald wouldn’t have approved of the meddling. 

Pictured: what Potions and Hi-Potions really look like. Refreshing!

Next week: Monster’s Inc.!

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