Clickbait Boyfriend: A Terra-ble New Journey

Welcome to the latest edition of Clickbait Boyfriend! Even though Clickbait Boyfriend and I have been in Rome this week, I’ve still got some hot Kingdom Hearts takes to offer! Last week, we bid adieu to Ventus’s story, and now, a new journey begins with Terra! Maybe this time around, CBB will actually gain some new understanding of the plot…or maybe not. 

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Check out our previous posts here.)

“I was prepared to get my ass kicked right away.”

-on Terra and Aqua’s Master test

The game does set you up to think that you’ll take control of Terra or Aqua in their head-to-head duel, especially if you played Ventus’s storyline first. Unless you remember that there’s nothing the Kingdom Hearts series loves more than a good cutscene.

Terra Aqua Birth by Sleep Fight


“Emma has wittier quotes than I do.”

-on feeling inadequate

Emma was visiting when CBB started Terra’s storyline  I didn’t record her quotes, but I can verify CBB’s assessment.. Don’t mess with the podcast queen.

Talk This Podcast Emma

“I’m always looking for weird name things, but I can’t find any more.”

-on compulsive anagramming

You know you’ve got a best-selling game on your hands when there is a non-zero possibility that you have a professional wordsmith on staff.

Clickbait Boyfriend anagrams kingdom hearts

Crabbed Finicky Toil seems about right.

“Sutnev. Errat. Auqa.”

-on very compulsive anagramming

This is why Square Enix needed to call in the professionals.

Kingdom Hearts X Anagrams

When will we meet the Denmark Goth Six and hear the Danker Ghost Mix???

“That is such a blatant rip off of Star Wars.”

-on fear leading to darkness

Look, when Mark Hamill is in your voice cast, you’ve got to throw in a few references. Plus, Star Wars is now technically a Disney property, so it’s not out of the question that it exists in the Kingdom Hearts universe. Han would freaking destroy the gummi ship though…unless it’s a Gummi Falcon? So many questions.

Kingdom Hearts Star Wars

Not a preview of Kingdom Hearts 3, to be clear.

“I’m gonna mess up and have no nerd cred: Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. Anger leads to darkness or something.”

-on another fandom focused on light and darkness

Ooof, so close, and yet so far.

Star Wars Fear leads to anger

Points for effort.

“You know what I really miss in this game? The skateboard.”

-on lost minigames

Skateboards haven’t been invented yet.

Sora and Ventus Skateboarding


-on dying in the very first battle

An inauspicious beginning. Clickbait Boyfriend isn’t even playing on Proud mode, so it’s pretty pathetic.

Vanitus he ain't gonna cut it

You tell ’em, Vanitus.

“What a rookie move.”

-on falling for Maleficent’s tricks

As it turns out, Terra’s judgement is maybe not the best.

Maleficent Terra Birth By Sleep

“Okay, clearly evil looking witch lady! Sounds good!”

“All the fancy camera work in the world could not describe that clumsy…”

-on opening chests

I couldn’t find a gif of it, but Terra’s chest opening animation is pretty darn awkward. Maybe that’s the real reason that he didn’t make Master status.

Kingdom Hearts opening chests

Sora knows how it’s done

“It’s a giant spindle thing?”

-on Disney-themed bosses

Well, technically it’s an Unversed, but uh…yeah.

Spindle Boss Kingdom Hearts


“The music never works for me in these games except for…what’s it called, the jungle one?”

-on picky music tastes


Here’s a rock cover, since I’ve linked the original on like three different blogs already;

“Was it called Diamond Dust the whole time?”

-on command styles

Clickbait “Mash the X-Button” Boyfriend has been incredibly resistant to using his commands, so his lack of knowledge is disappointing, but not surprising.

Diamond Dust Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Terra

“This is an epistemological clusterf#%k.”

-on Cinderella and believing in dreams

Clickbait Boyfriend found the connection between dreams and belief to be philosophically tenuous.

Bonus Quote: “I don’t know what it means to believe in something. I don’t know what it means to believe in your dreams. Are you believing in the context of your dreams, or do you believe that the content your dreams are literally true? Two completely different things. Not clear that dreams have truth conditions. I think this might be taking us too far afield. There’s an interesting question about whether you’re justified in believing in your dreams just because believing in them will make them more likely to come true. Citations: Blaise Pascal, 16??, William James 19??.”

Look for his upcoming paper “Don’t Believe in Your Dreams: A Defense of Evidentialism” coming soon.

Terra believe in your dreams

We’ve waded deep into the darkness here.

“Oh great, everyone loves escort quests.”

-on crowd-pleasing game mechanics

Who came up with this concept, and why is it always so terrible?

Related image

Pictured: Cinderella (left) blatantly ignores the protection offered by Terra (right).

“Some ball.”

-on sparsely attended royal soirees

This is Emma’s favorite part of the game, and possibly the entire Kingdom Hearts series. Multiple characters comment on the many attendees at the Prince’s ball none of whom appear to exist. It is absolutely baffling! I’m not upset by the lack of NPCs; this was originally a PSP game, so they definitely would have been a waste of time and memory. But Square, why did you call attention to the empty ballroom like this? Why?

Terra Kingdom Hearts Empty ballroom

“The groove! It’s too much!”

-on the Symphony Master boss

He’ll beat you up! Get it?

Conductor Symphony Master Kingdom Hearts

Not to toot my own horn, but I rocked that pun.

“I’m glad I played Ventus first because this would have totally lost me.”

-on being a little less confused than before…maybe

Did you hear that? He’s not totally lost! This is major progress, people!

Kingdom Hearts He doesn't Understand

No, Sebastian. He just doesn’t understand…MOST of it.

Next time: Anatomy lessons, mysteries, and the Command Board!

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