It’s a very special edition of Clickbait Boyfriend this week, because it’s a Clickbait Birthday! Time to celebrate another year of sassy quotes from my live-in Kingdom Hearts critic. Clickbait Boyfriend is officially getting too old for this nonsense, and we’re both loving every minute of it. This also means the series is officially more than two years old, which is a whole other piece of knowledge I’m not quite ready for. And speaking of things we’re not quite ready for, let’s follow everyone’s favorite evil dude Xehanort to Scala ad Caelum!
(First time reader? Catch up on all the Clickbait Boyfriend fun here!)
“Where’s the X-blade–oh, there we go!”
-on everyone’s favorite weapon
Name a more iconic moment in Kingdom Hearts than every time Xehanort says the word “x-blade.” I’ll wait.
“‘Kingdom hearts is light’ times five, no? Come on. That’s not light.”
-on the reveal of Kingdom Hearts…again
Oh, you’re right, “Kingdom Hearts is light” is THE most iconic moment. Too bad it seems like it’s actually darkness.
“Is Axel just a stand in for Nomura?”
-on breaking the fourth wall
“Such classic emotional abuser behavior. ‘We’re fine. I can speak for Riku. Don’t even ask him how he’s doing.'”
-on Mickey Mouse the gaslighter
It’s not a Clickbait Boyfriend post if there aren’t some potshots at Mickey Mouse. This one is maybe stretching it a little. Reading a lot into two words there.
“Oh my god, Sora with the hero complex.”
-on an overdue psychological diagnosis
This whole series basically rides on Sora’s inability to occasionally say no or even delegate. He spent this whole game whining about the fact that he wasn’t allowed to both go explore half a dozen Disney worlds AND go to the Realm of Darkness to save Aqua. We’re a team here Sora, you’ve got to occasionally let other people on the team do some work!
“Every now and then the whole absurdity of this entire series just strikes me.”
-on the existence of Donald and Goofy
It’s really a credit to the game that the absurdity only strikes you every now and then. If you’re along for the ride for this weird Disney JRPG with timelines within timelines, the developers are doing a pretty good job.
“This is so classic Kingdom Hearts to just, at the end of the game, throw in some idiosyncratic weird s#!t that just pulls the rug out from under you. If this hadn’t been spoiled in the trailer I’d be so pissed. But I’m not pissed. I’m definitely not getting worked up over this. I’m kinda mad they spoiled it in the trailer though.”
-on a roller coaster of emotions
While the trailers were coming out, there were a fair number of complaints online about how much they revealed. I really thought that Square was keeping a bunch of stuff in reserve, but no, it turns out they really did show pretty much everything in the lead-up to release. That was a little disappointing for me, but it did save us all from an epic Clickbait Boyfriend meltdown over Scala ad Caelum, so I’ll count my blessings.
“You’re telling me all the loose ends are going to get tied up in this completely new loose end they just introduced?”
-on the essence of the series
This week’s edition is just full of these “Kingdom Hearts in a nutshell” one-liners.
“It’s a city of Nortys!”
-on Xehanorts here, there, and everywhere
We’ve made the natural transition from everyone in this game being part Xehanort to just literal Xehanorts everywhere.
“It’s gonna be like ‘the entire series was a dream and now they’ve burst into the real word, and that’s Kingdom Hearts IV.’”
-on…not a bad prediction, actually
You know, based on the secret movie, this is not out of the realm of possibility. At least half of it seems to be explicitly true. DLC, please
“Man, I wanna vacation here.”
-on Scala ad Caelum
What would an AirBnb in Scala ad Caelum cost me? Anyone heard of any gummi flight deals?
“This is about the time where I wish I’d paid more attention in Back Cover. That was not one of the masks but…WHAT?”
CBB was shocked by Xehanort suddenly having the power to turn the world on its side which…fair. There’s a reason he’s the GOAT now.
“Am I gonna understand what was going on in this game? Am I?”
-on a man screaming into the abyss
Short answer: no. Long answer: noooooooooooooo.
“This feels so arbitrary. Why am I fighting in this random ass world with this random ass goat man?”
-on Untitled Goat Endgame
The less you question it, the better. It will all make sense in Kingdom Hearts VI.47 Ultimate ReDux.
“They never explained how he can breathe underwater. Atlantica 2 changed him.”
-on the lasting impact of “Swim This Way”
In the same way as we can’t get through a blog without a few swipes at Mickey Mouse, we also can’t have one without a passing reference to the Atlantica rhythm game. Still, valid point: is the goat mask a scuba suit?
“I beat goat man! Ready for the next sixteen bosses and for all of this to be explained to me! ‘Who are you, goat man, and what’s in the box? When is Pete going to show up?'”
-on success and the question we’ve really been wondering about
“‘I was really just doing Pete’s bidding,’ and then Pete turns into a giant space ship.”
-on the beginning of CBB’s Kingdom Hearts fanfiction
But really: who the eff is Pete? What is the point of Pete? What is Pete?
“Did I do something wrong?”
-on Sora’s fake death, part one
“Did I die? What did I do wrong?”
-on Sora’s fake death, part two
“Very clever, I get it, I see what’s happening here. Very funny, okay, let’s get a move on. Chop chop.”
-on Sora’s fake death, part three
I cannot emphasize enough that after Xehanort “killed” Sora, Clickbait Boyfriend put down the controller and started up some confused chatter about it for several minutes.
“Whoa! Uhhhhh I just did something. Aaaaaaaahhhhh!”
-on Sora’s fake death, part four (AKA when CBB finally touched a button and the controller made sound)
Finally, he realized by accident that he had to actually engage in some gameplay to advance.
“Why is Donald Duck in my controller?”
-on Sora’s fake death, part five
Cue Donald Duck screaming from the Dualshock, the boldest move this series has ever pulled.
“Classic trinity action right here, I love it!”
-on the power of friendship
“Why did they decide, in this ultra climactic moment, to make Donald Duck scream out of my controller?”
-on the paradox of a game that is a mash-up of Final Fantasy and Disney
Again, the boldest move. After years of failing to heal my body, Donald Duck is healing my soul.
“Where’s all the other forms?”
-on the end of the boss sequence
There are no other forms! That’s it! You won!
“Do we finally get to figure out what Kingdom Hearts is ten games into the Kingdom Hearts series?”
-on questions that have both already been and never will be answered
It’s light. But also…it’s not?
Next time: we’re getting close to the end now! So you bet CBB has more thoughts per game minute than ever before.