Clickbait Boyfriend: Xtreme Xistential X-Blade X-Fit

Clickbait Boyfriend fans, we’re operating on Kingdom Hearts time this week, meaning that 1. it doesn’t seem to operate on a consistent basis between worlds and 2. you can expect major delays. We’ve been too busy playing slightly more niche Nomura title The World Ends With You Final Remix which, as you can imagine, Clickbait Boyfriend had strong feelings about. “Why does he title everything Remix?” he could be heard muttering at Talk This NYC HQ. Hush, CBB, this is a Kingdom Hearts post, and an important one at that! It’s time to finish Aqua’s story. Not counting the Final Episode. Or 0.2. Or any other decimals that I’ve forgotten. But don’t let that put a damper on the mood, let’s celebrate another Clickbait Boyfriend milestone with some quotes!

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? We’re so glad you’re here. Check out every action-packed blog here.)

“All the Disney stories are so half baked.”

-on Nomura’s priorities

I’m hopeful that this will change in Kingdom Hearts 3 but with the possible exception of the very first game, the Disney stories have been pretty extraneous. You can imagine what a fine line the folks at Square have to walk: you don’t want to regurgitate the movie’s story frame for frame, but you’ve also got Disney execs breathing down your neck to make sure the Mickey Mouse brand isn’t damaged forever. Well, too late for that one, pal, because CBB’s developed a strong aversion to Mickey thanks to these games. But aside from that, it’s clear that Nomura and Co. are much less interested in Disney (and Final Fantasy, remember when those guys actually mattered?) than their original characters. Now that the series is a bona fide classic and, let’s be honest, a financial blockbuster, they don’t have to rely on those childhood associations to sell games anymore. The childhood association is Kingdom Hearts.

Mickey Mouse and Aqua let's join forces

Every single Disney story in a nutshell. Also, screw you Mickey, ya gaslighter.

“Oh HJO how could you?”

-on breaking Terra’s wooden keyblade

On a related note, how weird must the voiceover sessions have been for Haley Joel Osment and Jesse McCartney for Kingdom Hearts 3? Even with my acting degree, I’m not sure if it would be an actor’s dream or an actor’s nightmare to have to carry on a conversation with yourself as a scene partner.

Also…are the two of them friends? You’d think they’d have to be after going through fifteen years of this.

Spiderman meme Kingdom Hearts 3 Haley Joel Osment

Speaking of which…

“Finish him off! Kick his head in! Just mutilate his dead body just to be sure!”

-on respect for the dead

I think we’ve lost Clickbait Boyfriend to the darkness. Still, I hope Aqua replayed the moment where she just walked away after defeating Vanitus in Neverland at least a couple thousand times while wandering the Realm of Darkness.

Vanitus wooden keyblade childish toy

You will not make me give up my Disney JRPG, Vanitus, you will not!

“WTF is up with her sleeves?”

-on wardrobe oddities

There’s a whole other story about Aqua’s clothing and all of the thought that went into what the back of her shirt looks like. However, her sleeves unequivocally make no sense. Why don’t they attach to the rest of her outfit? Are they protective arm guards, or just an ill-advised fashion choice? WHY AREN’T THEY ATTACHED? We have many questions.

Aqua Birth By Sleep Sleeves


“Think of everything she could get done if she didn’t just stand there and say ‘Terra!’ and ‘Ven!’ all the time.”

-on time-wasters

Emotional labor is real even for Keyblade Master ladies. The boys can take care of themselves, Aqua! Take all that time you use saying their names and worrying about them and take a bubble bath or something.

Aqua Birth By Sleep Word Cloud

I fed a script dump of Aqua’s arc into a word cloud generator, and this is the 100% real result.

“That’s a weird interaction, raising some red flags for me with Aqua.”

-on meeting Sora

This scene isn’t quite as bad as when Terra made Riku touch his Keyblade, but it’s still pretty solid evidence that Aqua and/or the writers of this game have never interacted with children before.

Aqua tousling Sora and Riku's hair

Don’t…don’t do that. Don’t touch the kids.

“They could have just said ‘both of these boys have the power to wield the Keyblade’ but no, they had to set up another tangential and unnecessary mystery.”

-on the essence of the series

I don’t know why Clickbait Boyfriend seems surprised. This is a classic Kingdom Hearts move. 

Sora and Riku silly face

A live feed of CBB as Nomura introduces yet another bizarre plot wrinkle.

“Okay, I’m ready for a bunch of huge revelations.”

-on a third trip to the Keyblade Graveyard

Third time has got to be the charm, right?

Xehanort Keyblade Graveyard

Give me those sweet sweet answers, Norty.

“I love how they haven’t used the words ‘die’ or ‘dead’ yet, just ‘struck down.'”

-on unanswered existential questions

This is actually a great existential question, and I’m so glad that Talk This resident philosopher Clickbait Boyfriend brought it up. Is death even possible in Kingdom Hearts. I don’t mean for gameplay purposes; I’ve seen Sora floating with his heart outside his body plenty of times, don’t you worry. I mean real, honest to goodness, passing away. Up to this point in Clickbait Boyfriend’s playing experience, I don’t think we’ve seen any character that was presumed dead stay that way for long. Factor in all of the Kingdom Hearts 3 trailers, and it seems pretty clear that, as long as there’s a Keyblade or darkness or whatever involved, you can count on a resurrection. Hmmmm, remember those trinity marks? Hmmm….

Donald Duck You don't have to heal Sora if you're already dead

But is death even a concept that exists in this universe, Donald?????

“Does Aqua turn into Ansem? Because she’s starting to ask rhetorical questions about darkness.”

-on defining character traits


“The upper body strength…how much do you think Ven weighs in his armor? Xehanort is ripped as s#!t!”

-on the power of darkness

Dude is obsessed with the X-Blade, which means that he is definitely into Crossfit. 

Xehanort at the Gym

Body by ‘Nort: Gain the Power of Darkness

“Every time at the end of a boss battle, I get so cocky. A little voice in my head says ‘just mash the x button.'”

-on old habits dying hard

My main role as Clickbait Boyfriend’s Kingdom Hearts coach is to try to be the angel on his shoulder encouraging him not to give into the button-mashing devil. Does that make me the Jiminy Cricket to his Sora here? I suppose these blogs are a bit like Jiminy’s journal…

Kingdom Hearts Boss Fight Highway Exit

“Me with this game.”

-on “shut up I’m sick of your nonsense”

The writers really set themselves up to be roasted, don’t they?

Ven are You Okay Frozen Birth By Sleep

Clickbait Boyfriend, after one plot twist too many.

“Feels like this has all been too easy so far. One more boss battle coming. Someone has to turn giant, of course.”

-on giant bosses part 4932

Birth By Sleep doesn’t lean nearly as heavily on the giant boss trope as the numbered installments, but that doesn’t stop Clickbait Boyfriend from bringing it up every twenty minutes. 

Giant Sora Kingdom Hearts

Leaked Kingdom Hearts 3 boss: Giant Sora

“Mickey Mouse sucks in Kingdom Hearts. Honestly, he’s a wasted opportunity.”

-on hatred, yet again.

Like I said, this series has destroyed Clickbait Boyfriend’s fondness for a beloved childhood character. Why don’t you catch a steamboat out of here, Rat Boy. 

Mickey Mouse password Kingdom Hearts

Is there a cheat code to delete Mickey from the game? Asking for a boyfriend.


-on title drops

Finally, the frickin’ title makes a modicum of sense. 

Birth By Sleep Tag Yourself Meme

Tag yourself

Wow folks, we’ve made it to the end of BIrth By Sleep…just kidding! Next week, AKA two days from now, tune in for some Final Episode action, plus thoughts on each one of the ten trillion secret endings!

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