Excitement for Kingdom Hearts 3 is building at Talk This NYC HQ. We’re watching every trailer. Combing through the Twitter commentary. And Clickbait Boyfriend is burning through Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance as fast as he possibly can to get ready!
(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? You can catch up on every single crazy post here!)
“Is that what I think it is? Is that Tron? They should have learned from their mistakes.”
-on unwelcome reprises
To be fair, Dream Drop Distance was originally released only about two years after Tron: Legacy as opposed to the twenty years that separate Kingdom Hearts 2 from the original Tron. Still, who was clamoring to revisit the Grid?
“Bronze! I did good!”
-on participation trophies
Good job, CBB! You’re doing so great, sweetie..
“I had just gotten good at pushing triangle and then they added 15 new mechanics that took up the space in my brain dedicated to triangle.”
-on combat overload
The man can write an academic paper, no sweat, but ask him to remember which button opens a chest or how to link with his spirits, and he’s at a loss.
“I’ve always had a soft spot for Anselm.”
-on namesake philosophers
That’s Anselm, not Ansem.
“Riku is acting a lot less dick-ish in this game.”
-on character growth
Puberty is tough enough already without having your heart taken over by the embodiment of darkness. Cut the kid some slack.
“Games like Kingdom Hearts should be about running around and exploring with your friends.”
-on the drop timer
Kingdom Hearts is definitely about adventuring with friends, but it’s mostly about darkness and a perpetual feeling of confusion. The latter always overrides the former.
“I was kinda shipping Quasi and Esmeralda, damn!”
-on unrequited love
CBB didn’t watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame much as a kid (he actually told me he hated it) so he didn’t see this romantic swerve coming. Another candidate for Talk This’s upcoming game debut: Shipping Wars!
“This was an important lesson for Sora. You can’t go to a new world say hi to the first person you meet and become best friends with them.”
-on the unfriendly Tron guards
Remember what I just said about friendship? Sora carries that whole theme on his back. Number one BFF. He probably spends all of his time on the gummi ship making friendship bracelets. Reality check Sora: friendship takes work! Signed, your friendly (ha!) neighborhood twenty-something New Yorker.
“It’s Schmeff Schmidges!”
-on the return of Uncanny Valley
Credit where credit is due: Schmeff Schmidges looks miles better than Schmorlando Schmloom. Still, add it to the list of reasons that this world was a mistake. How do you think real Jeff Bridges feels about this? I would be still be psyched to have a character modeled after me in a video game, even if I only looked quasi-human.
“When did Sora become a computer science expert?”
-on programmatic hearts
Other than possibly the gummi ship’s navigation system, Sora’s first encounter with a computer was courtesy of Leon and the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee in Kingdom Hearts 2. Now here we are, less than a year later (maybe? Don’t get me started on how time works in these games again) and he’s a bonafide member of the Geek Squad.
“That’s what I’m going to do to my undergraduate students.”
-on “Ha! Flawed reasoning.”
Clickbait Boyfriend is going to be an excellent professor one day.
“Does Sora have any idea what he’s doing there? He’s just pushing buttons?”
“When he was going through a castle that he knew sapped this memories he had no trouble, but now some clearly evil guy plants a seed of doubt and Sora goes off the rails!”
-on reasonable doubt
This cuts both ways! Should Sora be more skeptical of Xehanort and Co. here? Absolutely. Should he also have been a little more alarmed by all the memory shenanigans in Castle Oblivion? 100% yes.
“Look at his blue hair! Ansem actually goes through the process of giving his hair highlights!”
-on villain style
Ansem is really just an emo kid at heart. And he’s only a heart, so he’s really into My Chemical Romance and hair chalk.
“That’s the second time there’s been an Arthur meme!”
-on clenched fists
It’s uncanny how similar the shot is.
“I do have it memorized!”
-on Axel…I mean Lea
But I already memorized Axel! You expect too much of me, Lea!
“Oh my god they’re people again? What is going on?”
-on completed Nobodies
I told you! Kingdom Hearts…is confusion!
“These recaps are actually so helpful though.”
It’s definitely useful to have what the Kingdom Hearts team thinks is a decent overview of the plot of each game. I think I’m going to have to read a lot of these before Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out, just so I don’t embarrass myself by not recognizing Ansem’s third cousin who was key to the plot of some bonus game given out in McDonald’s Happy Meals in 2008.
“Why is your hair such a different texture from mine?”
-on Tron humans vs. Destiny Islands humans
Humans on planet earth have a pretty wide variety of hair textures, so it seems plausible that humans who evolved concurrently on entirely separate worlds would also have variations in head fur. I mean, Sam is descended from Schmeff Schmidges, so what else did you expect?
“This is so much better than Kingdom Hearts 2.”
-on Tron racing
Anything would have been an improvement on that bizarre mini game. Still, it’s no Crash Team Racing…
“Yeah Riku, let’s talk about parents for a second…”
-on the Pokemon parenting model
Riku’s parents still haven’t made it into the series. You’d think somewhere in the past 13.582 games, we could have found time for a cameo. I guess they learned their lesson from leaving Sora’s mom waiting with dinner for fifteen years. Riku’s parents are apparently fine with sending their teenage son out on an adventure on his own. At least this time he has some cute monsters to help him do the fighting.
“They just said hell! Damn! T for Teen, am I right?”
-on adult language
The kids are growing up!
“What is up with Riku and these one liners?”
-on the cooler Keyblade wielder
Sora isn’t really a one-liner guy, so the writing team has been saving these sick burns for a decade.
Next time: Character rehabilitation, underwater adventures, and a long-awaited return…not.