Exposed! Supposed Animal Lover Caught Pushing Virtual Duck Off Pole and More…

“I can’t remember the jump button, oh god.”

-Josh, upon returning after a few days off

Welcome back from panicked clickbait boyfriend! We’ve been on a mini-hiatus since my last post, but now we’re back with a whole new round of quotes from Wonderland, Olympus Coliseum, and Deep Jungle. Don’t worry, we’ll get you back up to speed (and remind you that you press the circle button to jump). If you’re just joining us, you can catch up on previous posts here. When last we left our heroes, Sora, Donald, and Goofy were setting sail for unknown worlds in Kingdom Hearts‘s most notorious vessel: the gummi ship.

“I wonder if I’m actually the monster. I’m shooting all these ships which don’t appear to be shooting back at me?”

-on gummi travel

Josh was not particularly impressed by his maiden gummi voyage. Still, he raises a good point. Who exactly is piloting these other spaceships? It doesn’t seem like any of the Heartless would be smart enough to do it. Then again, Sora didn’t seem to need any practice before jumping right in.

He’s a prodigy.

“It’s very strange how some things are done in cut scenes, and some things are done in those little text bubbles.”

-on inscrutable artistic choices

Valid point.

“There were just three dogs chilling out in this chest…and for some reason I’ve numbered them as 16, 17, and 18?”

-on the Dalmatian puppies

Don’t ask questions, Josh. Just go with it. 

Here’s a cute dalmatian version of Sora to make you forget about those puppies locked in chests.

“This game is harder than I expected.”

-after dying for the first time in Wonderland

Just because there are Disney characters, doesn’t mean you don’t need to use potions. 

RIP Sora.

“I can beat this guy, but I can’t beat Riku.”

-after crushing Wonderland’s boss fight.

This is turning into a real complex. Doesn’t matter how many evil monsters you destroy, you can erase that zero to eleven score.

Not pictured: Josh’s growing obsession with his slow-mo victory moments.

“Oh god, that’s dirty.”

-while locking the Wonderland keyhole

Ruining my favorite childhood game, dude. It can’t possibly be that ba–

Oh dear.

“Let’s be honest: this looks like a college student’s project.”

-on gummi travel part two

Like I said, Josh was not impressed. He’s a full-on gummi hater.

Maybe it would be better if it was edible.

“So you’re telling me Hercules will just stay there and fight Cerberus indefinitely until I get back?”

-on leaving Olympus without beating Cerberus

Fun fact: you can actually leave Hercules forever. Cerberus is optional. What the heck.

“Now get its pelt.”

-after beating Sabor the leopard for the first time

Maybe the gummi ship needs a new rug. So much for the animal lover who was concerned about those puppies a few worlds ago. 

Even Sabor is shocked.

“The music sure does make even mundane activities seem exciting.”

-on the Deep Jungle soundtrack

“Doo doo ba da ba”

-singing along in Deep Jungle

Josh loved this music. He kept singing it for the whole night after we stopped playing. An infinite loop of the same tune turns into the stuff of nightmares, fast. You can get that experience in miniature with the half hour cut of Deep Jungle’s theme song below. 

“I can make him shake his head.”

-while making Sora dance on the climbing ivy

The music apparently also makes a good dance track. Like I said, Josh was obsessed.

“I am so mad at you. Don’t taunt me with the music.”

-after accidentally breaking a barrel on Tarzan and Goofy

The musical love affair is over. He also literally switched Tarzan back out for Donald as retaliation. 

No more dancing, Sora.

“Watch this, I’m pushing them off! *diabolical laughter*”

-on cruelty to Donald and Goofy

Josh spent minutes at a time making Sora climb poles, and then when Donald and Goofy followed him up, pushing them off with his butt. Just reporting the facts here, folks.

“Are you telling me that entering the tent…are you s#!tting me?”

-on less than obvious level design

Occasionally, Josh did stop dancing and climbing poles to advance the plot. Having the strategy guide as a kid really did insulate me from some of the wonky level design. Kingdom Hearts isn’t always super clear on where you need to go next. Sure, the early levels aren’t that large, but it’s a valid criticism.

Not the only baffling part of this world either.

“It doesn’t make more sense the second time.”

-on his second attempt at beating Clayton and the Stealth Sneak.

Josh had not yet discovered that you can skip cut-scenes in Final Mix. He has since found the option, much to my disappointment. I wanted him to have the full 2002 experience.

Does it make more sense as a Yu-Gi-Oh card?

“Was he talking about infidelity with a monkey?”

-on Donald’s potential transgression with Turk

Another disturbing entry in the Kingdom Hearts Hotness Continuum. Who would you choose, if you were Donald? 











On second thought, don’t answer that question. I don’t want to encourage him.

That’s all for this time, folks! We’re almost finished with this first ring of worlds! Next time on Clickbait Boyfriend: Traverse Town part two, Olympian tournaments, and onward to Agrabah!

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