The very first Clickbait Boyfriend was posted on October 22, 2017. The first post is pretty clunky;I pretty clearly did not understand how to format in WordPress at all, but the attitudes are pretty much the same. The very first ever quote from CBB (before he had even acquired that name!) is “this is trippy as f#ck.” If that doesn’t sum up this journey through the Kingdom Hearts series over the past almost three years, I don’t know what does.
This is now the 77th blog in the Clickbait Boyfriend series (a very Nomura number if there ever was one), and for the first time, we are officially caught up with the current games*. It’s a little nostalgic, which is perhaps why I’ve put off posting this final edition for so long. Or perhaps it was a homage to the experience of waiting for the next Kingdom Hearts game. I’ll never tell.
All this to say: we made it! The end of Kingdom Hearts III Re:Mind is near, and boy, is it a doozy. Start preparing all your best Luxord conspiracy theories, and let’s bring this adventure to a close!
(New to Clickbait Boyfriend, or want to relive the whole adventure? You can read the entire series here!)
(*except the mobile games, I know, I know. Even we have our limits.)
“Oh no. *heavy breathing* Oh Papa.”
-on ~~~**dreams**~~~ and also the appearance of the Fairy Godmother
We’ve already got Data Sora rearing his ugly head, so to bring dreams into the mix too is pretty audacious. I really hate that I just remembered that “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” is a song from Cinderella. That’s going to be relevant some day, isn’t it?
#tbt to Clickbait Boyfriend, three years younger in our old apartment, sans quarantine beard and sans Mickey Mouse rage.
“Cid! But what happens next! I’m on the edge of my seat!”
-on the fascinating nature of someone else’s dreams
Cid is the only person in this world or any world who wants to hear about some random teenager’s dreams.
Yuffie demonstrating the normal reaction to a detailed recounting of a coworker’s dream.
“That’s very bad reasoning. In general, the fact that someone appeared in someone’s dreams is not a good reason to think he can find him.”
-on Riku dreaming of Sora
There’s a reason the phrase “in your dreams!” doesn’t mean “that’s a sure thing!”
Riku hasn’t heard that phrase before.
“Fairy Godmother just looks in and sees the red light district of Shinjuku.”
-on new worlds
Riku’s been playing a lot of Yakuza lately, and now he’s dreaming of a tough, but kind father figure that isn’t a rodent. Meanwhile, Sora is playing the Reaper’s Game in Shibuya, so we’re just all over the literal map of Tokyo-based crossovers here.
“Whoa, what was that wink? Were you sensing a little something there between them?”
-on unexpected chemistry
Please, no. Riku needs to move on from Kairi, but not like this.
Disney produced Meet the Robinsons not Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate.
“What are the rules for this weird Keystagram thing?”
-on social media mysteries
Everyone has cell service everywhere, unlimited data, and apparently a personal photographer to grab some improbable shots.
“Damn, he’s f#%king dead.”
-on Sora in the Dark Final World
RIP Sora. Maybe. Probably not.
You’re definitely missing your heart and/or dreams and/or data and/or memories, but nice try here buddy.
“He’s gonna fight Yozora, isn’t he? Damn!”
-on Sky versus Dark Sky
I would say it’s a destined battle, and in some sense it probably still is, but we literally just met Yozora and written-in-the-stars kinds of fights need some more build-up!
“I feel like this is a strong choice for the voice actor.”
-on Yozora
I guess Yozora has a pretty suite life.
Clickbait Boyfriend listening to Yozora’s VA and deciding where he falls on a scale of Terra to Roxas.
“Literally…I just can’t believe it. What an introduction for someone we’ve been waiting to hear from for so long. ‘Hey hey sup.’ Nomura was just like ‘okay, we need something even bats#!t crazier for last game. Remember that fun Final Fantasy parody we made for the Toy Story world? Let’s make that be the next thing. Let’s do that.'”
-on brilliant ideas
Me, after Clickbait Boyfriend has paused the game for the fifth time in a single scene to go on a rant.
“We already have about fifty open threads. Let’s do this thing next though, before we get back to those other things.”
-on many, many loose ends
Sometimes I wonder if Nomura has a deep fear of writer’s block, and just gives himself as much raw story material to work with at any given time as he possibly can, just in case. Other times I wonder if he’s figured out that the more Tangled a web he weaves, the more games he can make to answer all those questions. Always gotta leave the people wanting more…
“Did Xehanort die? What the heck is Chirithy? And what happened to my friend Tarzan? Wait, stop, I have so much more to ask…”
“Dude is seriously under reacting right now. Sora is really chill about meeting a video game character in this mysterious place he’s ended up. I guess he’s seen crazier s#!t, but still.”
-on being too jaded to be surprised
Sora met Santa Claus in Kingdom Hearts II and his combat partners/BFFs are talking anthropomorphic animals, so meeting a video game character feels pretty low on the surprise meter at this point.
Available for a limited time.
“What does the real world mean to Sora?”
-on questions I’m not sure I even want the answer to
We talked on a sidequest this May about how translators try to avoid the word “God” in localizations so avoid raising confusing questions. Kingdom Hearts should consider adopting this model for “world,” outside of referring to specific places.
Hoo boy, what does the “real world” mean to Sora, huh? In this essay I will–
“What the absolute f#%k is going on?”
-on ???
Sometime while writing these blogs, I put “???” in a caption when I don’t remember or have notes on exactly what Clickbait Boyfriend was reacting to. I’m usually able to figure it out from context eventually. In this case though, it so perfectly encapsulates CBB’s attitude toward these games that I’ll let it stand.
Yozora discovers Zoom filters.
“This is not saving Sora.”
-on tough love
Sora should know better than anyone that sometimes saving the world requires smacking some people around with a blunt object.
Sora left his heart in Shibuya…seemingly literally.
“I think you have to die…gameplay as storytelling.”
-on the Leon fight all over again
As a reminder, Clickbait Boyfriend didn’t actually play the fight against Yozora (he tried the Organization fights a few times and failed pretty utterly), so we watched the secret ending as a series of cutscenes. In the compilation, the losing cutscene played first, hence CBB’s reaction above. Which one is actually canon? Do I even want to know?
Except that you do. Or do you?
“Oh, it’s fancy graphics. He’s a crystal now.”
-on Sora the geode/ice sculpture
Speaking of things that still need explanations, what’s up with all the crystallization that’s been happening in Kingdom Hearts III? First with Kairi in the main game, and now Sora too…what is it?
Me (right), reverently looking at my new ice machine (left)
“Oh damn.”
-on Yozora waking up in a car
This is what I want from my Kingdom Hearts secret endings, something just completely off the rails, and by god, Nomura delivers.
“Is that really f#%king Luxord?”
-on Luxord, for real
“In all honesty he is my absolute favourite Organization member. I like how he treats everything as a gamble, like Setzer from FFVI of old. I actually wanted to make him stand out more. At least I got him to say some things during the meeting scene added to KH2 FM+… but Luxord should have been able to do so much more…” -Tetsuya Nomura, Kingdom Hearts Characters Report Vol. 2, 2006
Emma, CBB, and I have all talked before about how Nomura isn’t a planner, he’s a seat-of-his-pants storyteller. I still agree with that, but when the man has an idea, he sticks with it (note also at the link that he says Xigbar is still key to the upcoming plot. In 2006.)
It would be impressive if it wasn’t terrifying, Luxord.
“How is this for real?”
-on the shock of Kingdom Hearts entering the real world, but also an appropriate paraphrase.
Like, is any of this for real…or not? Genuinely though, this callback to the very beginning of the series gives me chills.
See the next quote for the appropriate caption.
“Tetsuya is quiet but powerful.”
-on this absolutely unhinged man
Imagine using your successful Disney franchise series as a cover to make the super dark JRPG that was ripped away from you years ago. Imagine.
“I am screaming on the inside. I am screaming.”
– on final thoughts
Not sure what I can say to sum it up better than that.
—-
The first ever Clickbait Boyfriend closes with his summary of the experience of the first few hours of the game:
“I wasn’t super impressed so far? I don’t get the hype.”
As you can see, this blog series was pretty close to being a one-time thing. But even after that lukewarm response, I say this: “If I can get him to keep playing, this will be a series! The experiment continues…”
Well folks, the experiment continued, big time, and now in many ways we’ve reached its end. But no need for sad faces! This ship runs on happy faces, after all. We’ll be back with more Kingdom Hearts content when Melody of Memory releases in November, and in the meantime, there’s another big Nomura game that CBB might have some thoughts on…
A big thank you to Clickbait Boyfriend for letting me poke fun at him and for playing all of these silly, frustrating, wonderful games these past three years. And from the entire Talk This crew: May your heart be your guiding key 😉
