Kingdom Hearts 2: 2 Fast 2torial

Welcome to Kingdom Hearts 2: Clickbait Boyfriend Returns! 

…we’re still working on the title. The first game is over, but the fun has just begun! Clickbait Boyfriend is now a self-described fan of the series, a label he may regret as the plot spirals out of control over the next thirty hours of gameplay. 

Kingdom Hearts fanatics, I hear you:

“You forgot about Chain of Memories! The ‘side games’ are just as important as the main titles. How do you expect him to understand anything that’s going on?”

To which I say 1. Josh didn’t understand the first game either and that never stopped him and 2. I didn’t forget! Chain of Memories is the only side game that I’ve actually finished (still working my way through Birth by Sleep, very very slowly). I even played a good portion of it when it first came out on Game Boy Advance. This makes me qualified to say that Chain of Memories is not a good game. The PS2 remake is definitely better, I’ll grant that. But the game takes away the part of Kingdom Hearts that I am best at, namely, mashing the X-button over and over to lay waste to my enemies, and replaced it with a card game.

Sora fights with Blue Eyes White Dragon in Castle Oblivion

Yu-Gi-Oh sucks. Don’t @ me.

That said, imaginary Kingdom Hearts questioner, Chain of Memories is pretty essential to understanding Kingdom Hearts 2. So instead of playing the whole game, we just watched the remastered cutscenes on Youtube. You’ll notice that the video is very long because this game has too much story for its own good. That’s why we watched it on double speed. It’s amazing how many long, loaded pauses these characters take that you don’t notice until they’re racing along, Alvin and the Chipmunks style.

Josh was appropriately confused by Chain of Memories, which means he’s in the perfect mindset to start Kingdom Hearts 2! Let’s dive in!

“He kinda looks like me.”

-on Roxas, part one

I think Josh would have to invest in some intense hair gel before I can get on board with this one, but you be the judge, readers. Also featured: what their baby would look like.

Josh AKA Clickbait Boyfriend

Roxas and Clickbait Boyfriend BabyRoxas from Kingdom Hearts 2


He looks angsty and he dresses similarly to Sora.”

-on Roxas, part two

You know, that’s not a bad way to sum up the character.

Sora and Roxas Kingdom Hearts 2

“I’m very impressed by how normal their hair is relative to every other character who has been introduced in the Kingdom Hearts universe.”

-on Twilight Town hairstyles

Hayner, Pence, and Olette from Kingdom Hearts 2

It’s mostly that Hayner, Pence, and Olette have normal hair colors/amounts of hair gel. I guess Square Enix ran out of budget for coding crazy hair.

Final Fantasy Hairstyles

There’s a great piece on the AV Club about how video game hair helps craft character here.

“Wow, is this a much more open world kind of game with more side quests and stuff?”

-on the tutorial

Nope, it’s not. It’s 2005, we’re not ready for that.

Breath of the Wild Link Wields a Keyblade

Sneak Peek of Kingdom Hearts 3 on the Switch.

Kingdom Hearts first person shooter style? Pew pew pew grenade.”

-on new camera angles

Full disclosure: the Clickbait Boyfriend blog series does not operate in real time. I watch Josh play Kingdom Hearts 2 and type out quotes on my iPhone whenever he says something funny and/or stupid. When I’m being a conscientious notetaker, I write myself a little caption about the context of the quote so that when I actually get around to creating the next post, I know what the heck he was talking about and can say clever things about it.

All this to say, I was baffled by this quote for a good two days until I asked Josh about it. It’s about the newly available first-person camera angle, which is much less exciting than you would think.

“This betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of the ontology of language and linguistic objects.”

-on —

“You have to distinguish between types and tokens,” says Josh. “Photo is a linguistic type. And linguistic types are not…how shall I put this…types are not the kind of thing you can lose. That isn’t super explanatory. I’ve merely sort of restated the problem. But it seems like you can only lose concrete particulars. Just to make it explicit, types are not concrete particulars Types are, prima facie, they seem like abstract objects.”

TL;DR- Words don’t disappear, dummies.

Kingdom Hearts 2 Tutorial Comic

It seems less dirty when it’s just a blank, not “—-“

“It turned into a math game for awhile.”

-on earning munny

Who says video games aren’t educational? The Twilight Town kids do some major calculations to figure out the cash they need for bus tickets. Incidentally, is it still cash in Kingdom Hearts 2? Or is it cahhhsh/csh/cush/cish? Seems like it can’t be a word that refers to normal money when we use munny.

Donald Calculating Whether to Use Cure

Different kind of math, just as frustrating.

“This is tedious as shit.”

-on working life

I frequently feel this way at work, so this is the most realistic Kingdom Hearts has ever been.

Help Wanted Kingdom Hearts 2

It does look cuter with the handwritten ads.

“This is literally the worst.”

-on pushing the cart.

“This should be a game”-Square Enix

Now folks, we come to Josh’s favorite part of the tutorial. To get the full experience, you’ll need the following graphic:

Kingdom Hearts 2 Mail Delivery Instructions

It’s a complicated game, as you can see. Well, I’ll have you know that we’ve got a prodigy in the house. USPS, recruit this guy ASAP.

“I’ve got it down to a science now.”

-on mail delivery

Josh played this mini game over…

“Tell me I’m not a beast, I dare you.”

-on mail delivery part two

…and over…

“I feel like I’m a speed runner for one dumb mini game.”

-on mail delivery part three

…and over again. They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. Well, Josh’s version of Roxas loves to skateboard, bringing you paper to make that paper (is there such a thing as paper munny?).

“Wow, this is socialism. I have to pool my money with all of them.”

-on collaboration with friends.

In real life, Josh is a generous person who takes me out to dinner a lot. In Kingdom Hearts 2, he’s a miser who hates sharing with his friends.

Sora saying Shut Up and Take My Munny

“Is this a case of mistaken identity because the two of them look similar?”

-on dreams of Sora

Josh is really trying to figure out this ~~~*mystery*~~~. Even the voice actors look kinda alike, right? No?

Haley Joel Osmond and Jesse McCartney on Kingdom Hearts 2

Josh: “Jesse McCartney voices Roxas? Why is life so good? What did we do to deserve this?”

“Please do not tell me I’m going to be transported into the Haunted Mansion starring Eddie Murphy.”

-on other Disney properties

Eddie Murphy doesn’t even voice Mushu, so there was no way this was going to happen. Josh is looking over my shoulder as I write this and he is in hysterics over the idea of Eddie Murphy just popping out in the Twilight Town mansion. Developers, he would like to humbly request it be included in Kingdom Hearts 3. Just push back the release date to make it happen, okay? No one will be mad.

The Haunted Mansion, starring Eddie Murphy. Not featured in KH2

He’s literally crying right now.

“Are the Moogles coming back in this game? Are they?”

-on missing friends (and pom poms)

Well, are they, kupo?

Moogle search engine

Here’s one way to search for Moogles.

“I feel like I don’t even need to say anything witty.”

-on “is protection important?”

Me either.

Is protection important Kingdom Hearts 2

“Is this a Quick Time Event?”

-on Reaction Commands

I had never put two and two together before, but I suppose reaction commands are quick time events. This makes me hate them on principle, because quick time events are universally horrible.

The end Roxas fight.

Not this one. Not yet.

“I’m 100% done with this tutorial.”

-Nope, you’re just getting started 

Yep, this tutorial is so long, it needs a part two. Thirteen year old spoiler: Sora’s alarm clock will finally go off. Catch us next time; we’ll provide the ice cream.


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