Clickbait Boyfriend: Trains, Planes, and Puppymobiles

Hello there, Clickbait Boyfriend readers! I realize I already made the joke about emerging from the Realm of Darkness, but I’ve once again emerged from the Realm of Darkness. Well, sort of. The Realm of Vacation Fun and Jetlag Fog would be a more accurate descriptor. Finally, two weeks after returning from Japan (where despite our best efforts, Emma, CBB, and I were unable to obtain a private audience with Nomura. We just wanted to talk.), my ordinary brainpower and wit has returned, and Clickbait Boyfriend is back to share his Kingdom Hearts quips with you all!

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Catch up on all the action here!)

“What are you good at, Sora?”

-on a lack of culinary ability

Even in the real world, I don’t have much sympathy for people who claim they can’t cook. I’m not expecting everyone to be a bona fide Little Chef, but come on, you can boil some pasta! You can throw some beans and canned tomatoes into a slow cooker and make chili! You can scramble an egg! Unless you’re cooking for Clickbait Boyfriend, in which case, opt for a different recipe, he’s an egg-hater. I can respect not having time to cook, but not knowing how is a choice to be willfully ignorant.

That being said, it’s unclear how well Sora knows how to read, and it seems like his mom did most of the cooking back home, so…maybe he didn’t spend that much time in the kitchen.

Sora's terrible Kingdom Hearts report card

Sora’s grades are so bad, his mom will probably have to sign…oh wait.

“Flesh and blood”

-on Twilight Town’s Moogle

Have we mentioned before that Clickbait Boyfriend loves Moogles? I don’t know what he did before they were in every world. Also, remember when there weren’t item shops everywhere in the first game? I had forgotten until just now that the Moogles weren’t always this pervasive of a franchise.

Moogle wants to know it's cute

Clickbait Boyfriend said this was my best drawing yet.

“I think I’m gonna cry.”

-on the dog gummi block

Clickbait Boyfriend and I desperately want a dog but live in an apartment roughly the size of the gummi ship’s cockpit. A dog that is really a gummi block would honestly be the ideal canine for our current living situation. He could hang out with my Heartless Funko!

Gummi Ship Dogs

This is not Clickbait Boyfriend’s creation, but I sure wish it was.

“This is such BS. First of all, they’re trying to fit ten games worth of character development into one cutscene. Second of all, there’s a land where time doesn’t matter…that’s BS. At this point, they would have been better off just forgetting about Kairi than trying to make her a real character. Lea is a real character, but this half baked romance is so cheap.”

-on the neglect of Kairi, part one of many
Merlin sipping tea

…and that’s the tea.

“Also Merlin, really?”

-on poor choice of instructor

Is Merlin even a Keyblade wielder? I get that it’s a Sword in the Stone tie-in, but Yen Sid really can’t come out of retirement for a few minutes to handle this?

Merlin Training Kairi and Axel in Sword and the Stone

Speaking of Sword in the Stone, here’s a real image of Merlin training our newest Keyblade wielders.

“Do you remember my training? He threw a bunch of furniture at me and I mashed the X button.”

-on questionable curriculum decisions

This is why tenure is bad.

Merlin teacher meme

“He’s so handsome now and his hair is even more poofy anime.”

-on Lea’s PS4 glow-up

He’s no Daisy Duck, but Lea is definitely benefiting from some soft lighting in the training forest of training.

Lea's Tinder Profile

“How old is Mickey Mouse? Is he in his thirties? Forties?”

-on questions I don’t want to answer

Technically he’s ninety this year, which to be honest, tracks pretty well with all of the different places we’ve seen him in Kingdom Hearts. I mean, the world was black and white before he was king, so we know Mickey’s been around awhile. CBB has asked this question many times, and I can only hope that one day, Mickey’s birthday is an important plot point for the new new new Organization XIII or something, or we’ll never get a straight answer.

Modern Maturity Mickey Mouse Cover

There is nothing mature about King Mickey

“I can’t believe I actually went into the gummi editor.”

-on a first time for everything

This just in: avowed gummi hater enters Chip and Dale’s lair to make pupper-themed ship. More at 11 (or however time works in this universe).

Gummi Bear gummi editor

Not that kind of gummi editor

“How do I go super fast? *shakes controller* Whoa!”

-on entering hyperdrive

I feel like just shaking the steering wheel is also how Sora pilots the gummi ship. Sidebar: is there any kind of licensing process for gummi travel, or can just anybody get behind the wheel? Does Sora just have a permit, and he needs to be supervised by his parent and/or guardian (not that Guardian) to drive? Donald and Goofy had better be keeping a log of all his flying time.

Burnout 3 with a gummi ship

Would I play a Gummi Ship version of Burnout? I would have to think long and hard about it, but probably yes.

“Have you been getting As? Good, that makes me feel a little better.”

-on failing together

Yes, Clickbait Boyfriend and I both have pretty mediocre gummi GPAs. Don’t tell my tutoring students.

Sora and Goofy taking a driving test

I guess maybe these gummi battles are the Driver’s Ed tests? If so, Sora is definitely in the “Cs get Degrees”camp.

Next time: ludonarrative dissonance, hidden Mickeys, and a game within a game that’s of no consequence, you should probably forget about it.

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