*emerges from the Realm of Darkness* Wow, it’s bright out here. How long has it been? TWO MONTHS?
Time really does pass differently in the Realm of Darkness, AKA winter in New York City. As you might have guessed from some recent sidequest episodes in which I have little to no save data to download to your ears, it has been a busy season that seems to have passed in the longest blink of an eye ever. But finally, spring is in the air, and I’ve crossed back to Destiny Islands…er, well, still in New York. But most importantly, Clickbait Boyfriend is back!
Unlike every reviewer on the planet who has been “waiting over a decade” for “the latest entry in one of my favorite series of all time” (don’t get me started), Clickbait Boyfriend waited all of twenty-four hours from finishing 0.2 to start Kingdom Hearts 3. Out of the kindness of his heart, he allowed me to stay about three to five hours ahead at any given point. Get yourself a love like ours. I have to say that it was a real joy imagining how he was going to react to certain moments as I played through on my own. I’m very excited to share some of those early reactions with you all now! Without any further ado, Talk This! presents: Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 3!
(Check out the rest of the series here!)
“NO. What is this? Are they introducing hashtags? Is this Sora’s Instagram?”
Here it is, folks. The Clickbait Boyfriend hot take you’ve been waiting for. His very first impression of the game is…revulsion. He had a visceral reaction to Sora’s Instagram (which I have affectionately dubbed “Keystagram”), and it was not a positive one. It is objectively ridiculous, but isn’t that what we love about Kingdom Hearts? In honor of Clickbait Boyfriend’s hatred of Keystagram and my paralyzing fear of Googling anything Kingdom Hearts related while I was playing the game, this inaugural edition of CBB:KH3 features original Keystagram posts from yours truly! Look for a return to the classic meme format (at least in part, these were fun to draw!) next week.
“This is a disgrace.”
Really though, he said some variation on this or another basically every time the social media loading screens appeared throughout the entire game. I thought it would grow on him over time, and I was truly naive. Clickbait Boyfriend is a stubborn fan.
“Why does Eraqus look like the most chibi kawaii anime girl I’ve ever seen?”
-on Young Eraqus
Was it aging that turned Eraqus into a hardened Keyblade master, or the powers of darkness? Either way, young Eraqus needs to tell us his skincare regime.
“Can you imagine trying to play this game without having played Birth By Sleep?”
-on truly required “side games”
I honestly believe that it would be easier to understand Kingdom Hearts 3 having played only Birth by Sleep, Dream Drop Distance, and one of the cinematics (take your pick, but you know how we feel about Re:Coded), than Kingdom Hearts 1, 2, and Chain of Memories.
“Oh damn! Eraqus won! Spoiler alert! I didn’t know the light was gonna win!”
-on foreshadowed checkmates
Well, that’s it. Game over, people. Eraqus is the chess champion. That’s been Kingdom Hearts 3, see you next time!
“This is not the choice I was expecting.”
-on Wisdom, Vitality, and Balance
It’s just fancy Sword, Shield, Staff because we’re grown-ups now.
“Look at this ship, I can’t even look at it.”
Uncool that the gummi ship is automatically named Highwind except in the first game. Does this mean that Riku canonically won that race on Destiny Islands? I would complain, but we all know Clickbait Boyfriend’s record vs. Riku was…not impressive.
“2.9? Oh my god! Nomura, why are you doing this?”
-on waiting just a little longer
Who let him do this? Why was Nomura allowed to be such a troll in his own game? I played this part of the game two and a half months ago and thinking about it still makes me roll my eyes!
“There’s nothing that takes me out of the moment more than looking at a fake Instagram post.”
-on the disconnection of the modern world…and silly hashtags
What did I tell you? Clickbait Boyfriend thinks you should #DeleteKeystagram.
“The banter is kind of fun because they actually have the animations to make it more interesting.”
-on Sora and Donald’s bromance
Below is Emma’s contribution to this week’s artwork. Take a break from the relentless scrolling mentality of Keystagram and enjoy some wholesome, bromantic, trinity fun!
“Sora can run up walls? Since when?”
-on exciting new powers
Sora’a been hitting the gym! Or maybe he’s finally figured out how to make that Gravity magic work for him.
“The worlds are gorgeous!”
-on the power of the PS4
Clickbait Boyfriend is particularly graphically oriented, but he’s right on the money. Kingdom Hearts 3 really stepped up the series’s game. Everything looks stunning! Forget about battling darkness, let’s snap some pics for Keystagram! So aesthetic.
“Most lighthearted way to say the world is ending.”
-on ‘the H-ster’
Look, in case you haven’t heard the song, Herc is a hero, yes indeed. He’s probably kicked Hades’s butt like a dozen times in the indeterminate amount of time that has passed since we last saw him. Sure, things look pretty bleak right now, but come on, it’s the H-ster! He always blows it eventually. If I were part god, I’d be pretty chill about Hades too. I mean, he’s been seen with Pete. How serious could he be?
“Dude, they were not rushing to do that before. They were just chilling.”
-on the time-sensitive demise of Thebes
Okay, so maybe Hercules is just not great with time-management or prioritizing important work. Thebes is crumbling, man, stop flexing and do something!
“Couldn’t get Danny Devito back?”
-on the silence of the goats
I know that #SilentPhil was meant as a sign of respect to the Japanese voice actor who passed away, and that’s a lovely gesture. However, as an American player who was completely unaware of these circumstances, seeing Phil, a character known in the Kingdom Hearts fandom mostly for incessant screams of “get up on the Hydra’s back” swoop in on a pegasus and then grin placidly for the rest of the world was…disconcerting to say the least.
“I’m a little disappointed. Ba naa naa nana naaa naaa!”
-on the loss of that beloved fanfare
It hurts me that even after just reading this quote, I caught myself humming the classic Olympus theme. Clickbait Boyfriend has whined a lot about this particular song over the past year and a half he’s been playing these games, which is understandable, given that it appears in the vast majority of him. Sometimes though, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Next time: more Kingdom Hearts 3 shenanigans, and a more regular posting schedule!