Clickbait Boyfriend: #KingdomHearts3

*emerges from the Realm of Darkness* Wow, it’s bright out here. How long has it been? TWO MONTHS?

Time really does pass differently in the Realm of Darkness, AKA winter in New York City. As you might have guessed from some recent sidequest episodes in which I have little to no save data to download to your ears, it has been a busy season that seems to have passed in the longest blink of an eye ever. But finally, spring is in the air, and I’ve crossed back to Destiny Islands…er, well, still in New York. But most importantly, Clickbait Boyfriend is back!

Unlike every reviewer on the planet who has been “waiting over a decade” for “the latest entry in one of my favorite series of all time” (don’t get me started), Clickbait Boyfriend waited all of twenty-four hours from finishing 0.2 to start Kingdom Hearts 3. Out of the kindness of his heart, he allowed me to stay about three to five hours ahead at any given point. Get yourself a love like ours. I have to say that it was a real joy imagining how he was going to react to certain moments as I played through on my own. I’m very excited to share some of those early reactions with you all now! Without any further ado, Talk This! presents: Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 3!

(Check out the rest of the series here!)

“NO. What is this? Are they introducing hashtags? Is this Sora’s Instagram?”

-on Keystagram

Here it is, folks. The Clickbait Boyfriend hot take you’ve been waiting for. His very first impression of the game is…revulsion. He had a visceral reaction to Sora’s Instagram (which I have affectionately dubbed “Keystagram”), and it was not a positive one. It is objectively ridiculous, but isn’t that what we love about Kingdom Hearts? In honor of Clickbait Boyfriend’s hatred of Keystagram and my paralyzing fear of Googling anything Kingdom Hearts related while I was playing the game, this inaugural edition of CBB:KH3 features original Keystagram posts from yours truly! Look for a return to the classic meme format (at least in part, these were fun to draw!) next week.

Sora's first Keystagram post Kingdom Hearts 3

“This is a disgrace.”

-on Keystagram

Really though, he said some variation on this or another basically every time the social media loading screens appeared throughout the entire game. I thought it would grow on him over time, and I was truly naive. Clickbait Boyfriend is a stubborn fan.

Goofy shield lucky emblem Instagram Kingdom Hearts 3

“Why does Eraqus look like the most chibi kawaii anime girl I’ve ever seen?”

-on Young Eraqus

Was it aging that turned Eraqus into a hardened Keyblade master, or the powers of darkness? Either way, young Eraqus needs to tell us his skincare regime.

Eraqus chibi dog filter instagram Kingdom Hearts 3

“Can you imagine trying to play this game without having played Birth By Sleep?”

-on truly required “side games”

I honestly believe that it would be easier to understand Kingdom Hearts 3 having played only Birth by SleepDream Drop Distance, and one of the cinematics (take your pick, but you know how we feel about Re:Coded), than Kingdom Hearts 1, 2, and Chain of Memories.

Mickey Mouse Keystagram tbt Aqua Venus Terra Instagram

“Oh damn! Eraqus won! Spoiler alert! I didn’t know the light was gonna win!”

-on foreshadowed checkmates

Well, that’s it. Game over, people. Eraqus is the chess champion. That’s been Kingdom Hearts 3, see you next time!

Eraqus Young Xehanort chess match instagram kingdom hearts 3

“This is not the choice I was expecting.”

-on Wisdom, Vitality, and Balance

It’s just fancy Sword, Shield, Staff because we’re grown-ups now.

Keystagram Story Kingdom Hearts 3 Vitality Wisdom balance

“Look at this ship, I can’t even look at it.”

-on Highwind

Uncool that the gummi ship is automatically named Highwind except in the first game. Does this mean that Riku canonically won that race on Destiny Islands? I would complain, but we all know Clickbait Boyfriend’s record vs. Riku was…not impressive.

Highwind keystagram sweet ride kingdom hearts 3 gummi ship

“2.9? Oh my god! Nomura, why are you doing this?”

-on waiting just a little longer

Who let him do this? Why was Nomura allowed to be such a troll in his own game? I played this part of the game two and a half months ago and thinking about it still makes me roll my eyes!

Nomura Selfie Instagram Kingdom Hearts 2.9

“There’s nothing that takes me out of the moment more than looking at a fake Instagram post.”

-on the disconnection of the modern world…and silly hashtags

What did I tell you? Clickbait Boyfriend thinks you should #DeleteKeystagram.

Sora Selfie with Merlin's office

“The banter is kind of fun because they actually have the animations to make it more interesting.”

-on Sora and Donald’s bromance

Below is Emma’s contribution to this week’s artwork. Take a break from the relentless scrolling mentality of Keystagram and enjoy some wholesome, bromantic, trinity fun!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy having bromance fun Kingdom Hearts 3

“Sora can run up walls? Since when?”

-on exciting new powers

Sora’a been hitting the gym! Or maybe he’s finally figured out how to make that Gravity magic work for him.

Sora fit fam instagram running up walls kingdom hearts 3

“The worlds are gorgeous!”

-on the power of the PS4

Clickbait Boyfriend is particularly graphically oriented, but he’s right on the money. Kingdom Hearts 3 really stepped up the series’s game. Everything looks stunning! Forget about battling darkness, let’s snap some pics for Keystagram! So aesthetic.

Sora Herc's Gyros exploring Olympus Kingdom Hearts 3

“Most lighthearted way to say the world is ending.”

-on ‘the H-ster’

Look, in case you haven’t heard the song, Herc is a hero, yes indeed. He’s probably kicked Hades’s butt like a dozen times in the indeterminate amount of time that has passed since we last saw him. Sure, things look pretty bleak right now, but come on, it’s the H-ster! He always blows it eventually. If I were part god, I’d be pretty chill about Hades too. I mean, he’s been seen with Pete. How serious could he be?

Cerberus Kingdom Hearts 3 Good boy Instagram

“Dude, they were not rushing to do that before. They were just chilling.”

-on the time-sensitive demise of Thebes

Okay, so maybe Hercules is just not great with time-management or prioritizing important work. Thebes is crumbling, man, stop flexing and do something!

Hercules what doesn't kill you makes you stronger Kingdom Hearts 3 Instagram

“Couldn’t get Danny Devito back?”

-on the silence of the goats

I know that #SilentPhil was meant as a sign of respect to the Japanese voice actor who passed away, and that’s a lovely gesture. However, as an American player who was completely unaware of these circumstances, seeing Phil, a character known in the Kingdom Hearts fandom mostly for incessant screams of “get up on the Hydra’s back” swoop in on a pegasus and then grin placidly for the rest of the world was…disconcerting to say the least. 

Phil Kingdom Hearts 3 Instagram Vow of Silence

“I’m a little disappointed. Ba naa naa nana naaa naaa!”

-on the loss of that beloved fanfare

It hurts me that even after just reading this quote, I caught myself humming the classic Olympus theme. Clickbait Boyfriend has whined a lot about this particular song over the past year and a half he’s been playing these games, which is understandable, given that it appears in the vast majority of him. Sometimes though, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. 

Zeus playing Olympus Keyblade Guitar...keytar! Instagram

Next time: more Kingdom Hearts 3 shenanigans, and a more regular posting schedule!

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