The moment you’ve been waiting for is here, Clickbait Boyfriend readers: it’s time to play as Mickey Mouse. I don’t think there’s been a gameplay experience ever devised that was more set up for Clickbait Boyfriend to despise. There’s some other dope boss battle stuff and funny Sora lines, of course, but I’m here for the mouse. Grab your Keyblade and let’s go!
(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Catch up on all the action here!)
“They must just have a list of dialogue for Sora that they recycle over and over again. At this point they’re not even trying to make it all cohere, they’re just like ‘sentence fragment, sentence fragment, connection!'”
-on Kingdom Hearts Mad-Libs: Sora Edition
Sora has too much going on to formulate complete sentences right now. He’s got to follow his heart…hearts are all connected…trace the connection!
“Neither can I! Because I don’t know what the true Kingdom Hearts is!”
-on imagining what will happen if the guardians can’t hold it back
Remember in the first game when Sora yelled the most iconic line in the whole series (except maybe “my friends are my power”) and it wasn’t even about the real Kingdom Hearts? I hold steadfast in my belief that Kingdom Hearts is light, even if everything else makes no sense anymore.
“This is pretty dope, I’ll be honest.”
-on the big guardians boss fight
The fight with all eight guardians versus many goat boys was one of my favorite parts of Re:Mind. It basically embodies the driving spirit of friendship that powers this whole series. Very, very satisfying to get to kick some goat booty with all of my Keyblade buddies.
“I know I’m gonna have to play as Mickey at some point, which I’m not pleased about.”
-on playing as every character in one fight
“Go get him, Jesse!”
-on everyone’s favorite voice actor/boy band member
Let’s not get started on what “beautiful soul” might mean in this world. We’ve got enough to keep track of.
“Man, they were like ‘we need some fan service in here.'”
-on fan service not always being a bad thing!
As a fan, I feel adequately served!
“Good, end him!”
-on killing Mickey
Let the Mickey Mouse hate commence!
“This is it right? This is the moment?”
-on playing as Mickey Mouse
Emma (who, as a reminder, played all of the DLC the day it came out before I was even awake for work) had warned us both that there was a moment she couldn’t wait to hear CBB’s reaction to. When I was playing, I really thought I’d found the moment when Mickey called out to Sora from within his heart, roughly two hours of cutscenes ago. But I was wrong. There was so much more coming.
Instead of endless screenshots of Mickey slowly walking towards the Goatnorts, I’ll be punctuating these thoughts with thematically appropriate Mickey Mouse emojis!
“Give up! Don’t get back up!”
-on bad player identification
Yeah, Clickbait Boyfriend was not going to take well to having to force Mickey to slowly stand up in the face of defeat to fight another day.
“Why is it making me do this?”
-on keeping Mickey alive
Because the Kingdom Hearts team thinks you have some level of love for Mickey, obviously. He’s the king of the universe! So what if he’s a huge gaslighter? LOVE HIM.
“Literally you’ve got to be kidding me. This is some BS *incomprehensible screaming*”
-on Disney’s iconic mascot, Mickey Mouse
Alas, this is not a choice-based game where you can let Mickey die. Believe me, CBB tried.
“This is the biggest BS I’ve ever seen in any video game in my life. I can’t believe I’m playing as a wounded Mickey Mouse.”
-on Mickey Mouse, the war hero
“Your friends are in peril! Sora wouldn’t be walking like a snail right now.”
-on taking it slow and steady
We’ve talked about this on the blog before, but it is deeply unclear how old Mickey is, so maybe this is just his age showing. But last blog, Sora fell roughly ten stories and immediately hopped to his feet, so we have little sympathy for this snail of a mouse.
“Is this Mickey’s redemption arc where I’m finally supposed to think of him as a good guy?”
-on the redemption arc I’m sure no one at Square or Disney intended to be necessary
Clickbait Boyfriend has completely poisoned me against Mickey, so I have no perspective here. Are there any Mickey Mouse apologists in this clubhouse?
“Please let him die.”
-on one final wish
You can’t say the man isn’t consistent.
“A little bit of third person shooter action going on here.”
-on connecting the stars
It’s no Blaster Blaze (which I guess is FPS, but whatever), but sure.
“The whole world is one big neural net!”
-on something only this philosophical dork would think of
All of Kingdom Hearts takes place inside of Nomura’s brain: confirmed.
“Us giving each other hugs.”
– on luv
Every once in a while a wholesome quotes sneaks in here.
“Kairi is like way weaker!”
-on things that are just unfair
All of the non-Sora characters are super weak, but it does sting a little more playing as Kairi. Wouldn’t it have been fun if she had been a tank, not a glass cannon?
“I just gotta wait for my boyfriend to take care of me.”
-on letting AI Sora do most of the work
Clickbait Boyfriend compensated for Kairi’s weakness by allowing the computer to wreck Xehanort until he could do a reaction command. It’s not the worst strategy in the world, honestly.
“I’m ready for the whole DLC to make sense now.”
-on continued delusion
Next time: The End, part one.