“Awww man, I’ve missed you Kingdom Hearts.”
-on holiday breaks
It’s tough to be separated from your (girlfriend’s) video game console on a trip home! Welcome back to Clickbait Boyfriend, readers old and new! We’re more than halfway through this Kingdom Hearts 2 adventure now, which not only means the introduction of Lion!Sora, but that CBB can barely be called a Kingdom Hearts newbie anymore! They grow up so fast.
Who am I kidding, he’s got like six games to go. First up though, we’ve got an awesome update from the jungle, and I ain’t lion.
“Me running away from my responsibilities…nope they caught up.”
-on Lion!Sora leaving Donald and Goofy in the dust
Clickbait Boyfriend has finally made it to summertime, but he’s still successfully running from some of his grad school papers and the dishes in the sink. Lion!Sora, however, can escape neither his responsibilities nor his animal companions.
“He’s like, ‘what is it like to have four legs anyway’ but Goofy is a dog.”
-on Goofy’s existential crisis
Goofy’s identity is a difficult question. As many have noted before us, Goofy exists in the same world as Pluto, but while both are ostensibly dogs, the two canines are treated very differently. With Goofy’s seeming obliviousness to his four-legged nature, however, a different question is raised: does Goofy realize he is a dog? Must he remain in perpetual denial (there’s some debate as to whether he might be a cow) to avoid being leashed? Fortunately, as a turtle he is free from this shadow of oppression, and can finally embrace his true quadruped self.
Alternately, it’s just silly writing. Probably the conspiracy theory though.
“Oh, he did not just say lend them a paw unironically.”
-on bad jokes
You’d think he would be used to bad jokes like that by now. Speaking of paws and such, let’s flashback to Clickbait Boyfriend seeing Lion!Sora and co. for the first time:
I really missed an opportunity to title this blog “Lions and Turtles and Birds, Oh My!” but I already used that phrasing a few weeks ago.
“Is he about to smash???”
-on Simba’s raging hormones
Simba is an adolescent lion. He has needs! How is The Lion King 2 supposed to happen without Nala producing a feline Juliet to meet her Romeo? If Lion!Sora met Lion!Kairi, you know they’d do what the animals do too 😉
“Yup, had to be something giant.”
-on giant boss Scar
If Kingdom Hearts 3 finds a new way to up the difficulty of bosses which isn’t just making them huge, I’ll throw a fit. This is classic Kingdom Hearts material right here. Bigger is better!!!!!!!
“He’s gonna charge them per lick.”
-on Scrooge McDuck
Why is Scrooge McDuck in this game, anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I love ice cream. Clickbait Boyfriend and I have literally half a dozen varieties in our fridge. But Scrooge McDuck feels a little underdeveloped. At least let him rip Donald off once. He’s so stingy with his Cure magic, he deserves it!
“This is the emotional heart of Kingdom Hearts right here.”
-on Winnie the Pooh
“This world was so bad I had no memory of it.”
-on Space Paranoids
Which world does Clickbait Boyfriend hate more: Space Paranoids or Atlantica?
“He’s gonna turn big.”
No, definitely not. Kingdom Hearts has more tricks up its sleeve than just another massive robot. I mean, we already had a massive lion thing, a huge Hydra, Oogie Manor, Dragon Maleficent, Genie Jafar, the Cave of Wonders, Darkside (like five times), Cerberus, Chernabog, Massive Ursula, Kurt Zisa…
“Did I not just call that?”
-on giant bosses part 23.572
Every single time.
“I will never hear ‘I’ll tweak your user program’ the same way again.”
-on double entrendes
Tron, Sora’s not interested in you that way.
“Sora had never hugged anyone before?”
-on Tron’s goodbye
It’s not the only time in this game that Sora will be weird about hugging. He did literally abandon his parents without a second thought, so it’s not a giant leap to assume he hasn’t be hugged much. Yikes, that just got super dark.
“That is the biggest BS I’ve ever seen in any video game ever.”
-on Atlantica. Yeah, again.
You thought we were going to get through an entire Clickbait Boyfriend post without a little Atlantica hate? To answer the above question about Atlantica vs. Tron, I just asked Clickbait Boyfriend IRL, and he verbally confirmed Tron’s superiority. Actually, I asked him five minutes ago and he’s still explaining how Atlantica doesn’t “pass muster.”
“That’s what you are, honestly. You’re my Kingdom Hearts coach.”
-on our Clickbait relationship
I’m more than a coach. I’m a guru.
Readers, I have to admit that I lied to you in the last Clickbait Boyfriend post. I teased the Roxas boss fight, but it is just so darn funny and infused with pathos that it deserves its the spotlight in its very own post. Look for Clickbait Boyfriend: Roxas Kicks Sora’s Butt Over and Over Again Edition coming soon! After that, we’re on the fast-track to the endgame!