“I’ve been thinking for the past hour that Roxas is an anagram for ‘Sora X'”
-on being a clever boy
Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 2 Edition is back! We’ve taken a month off in order to effectively simulate how long this tutorial feels. Convenient excuse? Never!
Without any further ado, let’s rejoin Roxas and clever anagram guy Josh in their Twilight Town adventures.
(PS- Want to relive the best of Clickbait Boyfriend? You can read all the past blogs here!)
“Damn, Kairi’s all grown up.”
-on glow-ups
Just kidding! We’re actually taking a quick detour to Destiny Islands. Kairi got hit with the puberty stick.
Oversized shoes are part of the uniform.
“I wish I understood what was going on and why they’re wearing slutty schoolgirl outfits.”
-on bemusing wardrobe choices
It seems like Destiny Islands Prep Academy does not follow the fingertip-length rule. It’s probably hot and humid on those tropical beaches!
Josh actually shared the last Clickbait Boyfriend post because, as he put it, he “didn’t weirdly sexualize any Disney characters.” So much for that.
“This game is really taking me for a journey here. What the heck is going on.”
-on Ansem’s reveal
This is just the first turn, dude. We’ve got a few more exits, u-turns, merges, and off-road detours to emabark upon before this whole Ansem journey is even halfway through.
“It’s like, five is a nice even number. Five could be it.”
-on the never-ending tutorial
Could be worse. Could have opted for:
Why isn’t it just 179 Days?
“I thought I was gonna have to do one of those Riku race things. Am I? I am, aren’t I?”
-on traumatic flashbacks
Josh and I literally ran a half marathon three months ago, and I still think the Riku race might be his most difficult running experience to date. Fortunately, none of Roxas’s friends are wannabe Usain Bolts.
They even dress alike.
Speaking of which, have you seen Emma’s excellent video on the tutorial of the original Kingdom Hearts yet? You should check it out, and subscribe to our Youtube channel, Talk This Sisters!
“Am I fighting a trash bag?”
-on a new kind of Heartless???
Imagine how dangerous Twilight Town’s litter problem might become.
Remember to recycle your heart. There’s a Nobody who might need it.
“Best moment of any of the Kingdom Hearts games.”
-on trash doggo
Not a Heartless, just a smelly pup. I wonder if he’s related to the Dalmatians (get it? Because it’s one of the seven wonders of Twilight Town?).
If Goofy can be a talking dog, why not everyone?
“”This is grating, this is horrible, this is so much worse than I expected.”
-on hitting rock bottom
I warned Josh that the first few hours of Kingdom Hearts 2 would be tedious, but maybe I should have been more hyperbolic.
It already feels like it never ends.
“Oh s#!t, this is that thing, this is that thing from the end.”
-on recurring Heartless
Seems like everyone has a Darkside.
It’s funny, because this kind of Heartless is called a Darkside.
“Damn! Emma played for thirty one hours?”
-on save data
If you’re paying sixty dollars for a game, you’ve got to get your money’s worth. According to Emma, that time doesn’t even include the final boss sequence.
Me, telling Josh that he’s been playing for too long. Click the picture for a truly delightful WikiHow.
“I’m really throwing away my life, aren’t I?”
-on late-night gaming
Imagine what else you could do with those thirty-one hours. Actually, don’t. No one should shame you for playing video games. They’re art. When you play Kingdom Hearts or Ms. Pac Man or Splatoon 2, you’re appreciating a work of art. No one would make fun of you for spending thirty-one hours over the course of a month or two reading or going to museums or basket weaving. You are allowed to like the things you like even if other people think they’re unsophisticated, or even if you think they’re unsophisticated! This message sponsored by exhausted unpaid artistic intern Madelyn, who is sometimes too tired to read her fancy books at night or even play her silly games and just wants to watch stupid videos on Youtube.
“They’re not as orb-y and good anymore.”
-on munny
At least they haven’t gone orbless yet. Sora’s probably too young to apply for a munny card.
Munny makes the world go ’round.
“I’m starting to get very invested in this, holy crap.”
-on Stockholm Syndrome
Just kidding! Roxas and friends do have a compelling story. It’s just Dickens length when it should have been a set of haikus.
Spoiler Alert: In upcoming editions of Clickbait Boyfriend: Kingdom Hearts 2, Josh does not keep calm
“Where are the Disney characters at?”
-on noticeable absenses
To be fair, there weren’t many in the original Kingdom Hearts tutorial either. Still, at least give us some new stained glass!
Oh look, there they are!
Hell yeah! This is the best!
-on dual-wielding keyblades
It’s pretty baller.
I feel the same way when I’m looking for the right key on my ring…not.
“They really were trying to appeal to all the kids who played Kingdom Hearts and are now angsty teenagers.”
-on growing up a gamer
At this rate, Kingdom Hearts 3 will be about paying taxes and battling student loans. No Donald and Goofy, because pets aren’t allowed in Sora’s tiny apartment.
None of us are bitter at all.
“Three hours in and this game has more emotional depth than the entirety of Kingdom Hearts 1.“
-on the eventual payoff of Kingdom Hearts 2‘s tutorial
What a change of heart, huh? Tell me I’m funny.
We made it, folks! The Kingdom Hearts 2 tutorial is finally over! We’ve learned how to walk, fight, and open chests, and we’re more confused about the story than ever before! Join us next time for long-awaited reunions, interstellar travel, and Madelyn’s favorite Disney movie of all time.