Clickbait Boyfriend: Can you Keep a Secret (Report)?

Hey there, Clickbait Boyfriend fans! As promised, before we dive to the heart into Kingdom Hearts III Re:Mind next week, we’re taking a quick journey through Kingdom Hearts III‘s secret reports. As a brief disclaimer: Clickbait Boyfriend did not play through the Battlegates (although he did watch me play them), so he has not technically earned this knowledge. Nevertheless, he has thoughts. I recommend following along with the Secret Reports here to get the full context. I’ll be providing commentary in the form of Kairi emojis!

(First time Clickbait Boyfriend reader, or want to relive the archives? You can find every post here!)

Secret Report 1

“That wasn’t even a thing until this game and now they’re trying to make it a thing.”

-on “may your heart be your guiding key”

“There’s lots of groups of four, who are the four friends?”

-on friendship!

Secret Report 2

“Is this Xehanort? There’s so much to figure out!”

-on mysterious authors

“They’re not all written by the same person?”

-on multiple authors

Secret Report 3

“I was not expecting this to be Xehanort.”

-on surprise authors!

“So the girl is subject X…who’s the girl? Namine? Xion?”

-on some girls who are in Kingdom Hearts

“Terranort is the one who wouldn’t have any memories, right?”

-on remembering how this Heartless/Nobody/heart possession thing works again

Secret Report 4

“*shrieks* the girl is from Union X!”

-on other girls from Kingdom Hearts

“I can’t believe this, it’s confirming our deepest fears.”

-on Union X being relevant

Secret Report 5

“What the hell. Why is Kingdom Hearts like this?”

-on unanswerable questions

“We already had enough on our plates, didn’t we?”

-on Isa and Lea and the mystery girl

Secret Report 6


-on Axel and Saix’s origin story

“This is confusing though, because he’s signing it Saix, which is after he joined the Organization, but he’s writing it in present tense.”

-on potentially confusing stylistic choices

Secret Report 7

“Demyx is Xemnas’s right hand man?”

-on connections we never thought possible

Secret Report 8

“So Xemnas, Ansem, and Young Xehanort are replicas? I can’t tell if that’s a significant thing we just figured out or if it’s whatever. Replicas! Whoa!”

-on revelations? Maybe?

“They weren’t actually the people they said they were, but they were qualitatively identical. crazy!”

-on whether Replicas are the same as people or not

Secret Report 9

“This is kinda stuff we already knew…gimme the juicy stuff!”

-on impatience, part one

Secret Report 10

“Yeah yeah yeah, it better end with something juicy, gimme the juice!”

-on impatience, part two

Secret Report 11

“‘Pulled the old switcheroo!’ Who writes that?”

-on funny turns of phrase

“Is he talking about f#%king Malwficent?”

-on a certain lady of magic from the future

“Is this Luxu?”

-on not so anonymous unknown authors

Secret Report 12

“A scapeGOAT? You gotta be kidding me.”

-on conveniently punny goat bosses

Secret Report 13

“Do you think the Master of Masters is in the box?”

-on a completely out-of-left-field theory…or is it?

Next time: Re:mind!!!

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