Clickbait Boyfriend: 358 Nobodies in a Daze

Despite the mockery I endured in yesterday’s Clickbait Girlfriend guest post on my trials and travails playing Portal, Clickbait Boyfriend is still, against all odds, Clickbait Boyfriend. Doesn’t he know by now that I have to be good at everything? For the sake of the blog series, let’s hope he goes back to his usual reverence and gentle treatment of my fragile ego in the future.

We are rapidly running out of PS3 Kingdom Hearts offerings, but never fear, readers: as you’ve probably heard on the podcast, I’m already plotting my PS4 Black Friday hunt. In the meantime, who’s ready for some Nobody cinematic fun with 358/2 Days? Anything has to be better than Re:Coded, right? Right???

(New to Clickbait Boyfriend? Welcome! You can catch up on all our previous posts here.)

“Traverses between, skilled, what?”

-on the Organization XIII intros

Kingdom Hearts intros usually hit me right in the feels, but the opener for 358/2 Days is kind of rough. What was the concept meeting like for these descriptions? Did they just make a word cloud? It feels like something that took place in a room that has whiteboards on all the walls, and everyone had to come up with ideas as a team-building exercise.

Xigbar 358/2 intro movie

“Today’s Icebreaker: Write a Tinder bio for the Organization member of your choice.”

“That dude looks like an Instagram filter come to life.”

-on Vexen

This was probably one of the rejected descriptions.

Vexen 358/2 Intro Movie

Brilliant, chilly, and academic are good descriptions of Clickbait Boyfriend on this rainy cold day.

“This dude reminds me of James Blunt.”

-on Marluxia

Incidentally, there is not yet a Buzzfeed quiz for “Which Member of Organization XIII Are You?” Should I create one for an original Buzz This? Shower me in flower petals if yes.

Marluxia 358/2 opening cinematic

I don’t see it at all.

“I already know the conceit. There are 358 days between…when does it take place in between again? In between when Roxas is created and when Sora is off training somewhere? The ‘over two’ means you’ll play through as Roxas and then as Sora.”

-on titular predictions

Clickbait Boyfriend was pretty bold with his predictions as we watched 358/2, probably because he didn’t have to focus on dumb concerns like mashing the X and/or Triangle button. These hypotheses range from atrocious to passable, but this one mostly reveals that, as usual, Clickbait Boyfriend doesn’t really remember what happened in Kingdom Hearts 2. Understandable, given that he’s played/watched like three games since then.

Kingdom Hearts 358 Days Calendar

Do Kingdom Hearts calendars exclude seven days of the year, just for the lolz?

“So this is that girl that I’ve seen in various Kingdom Hearts media and been very confused.”

-on Xion

Xion has turned up in several secret movies at this point, and each time, Clickbait Boyfriend has been heartily confused. I can’t promise he won’t continue to experience that confusion, but at least she has a name now.

Xion Roxas Spongebob Patrick meme, that's a stick

It’s tough when you’ve got to share a Keyblade.

“Jesse McCartney is giving a tour de force vocal performance.”

-on underrated vocal stars

Who would have thought that Clickbait Boyfriend would become such a Jesse McCartney fan?

Open the chest Roxas

It’s not the same without the voice acting.

“Nio. Oni. Ino. Oin. Noi.”

-on anagrams

It is endlessly baffling what a large role that anagrams play in this game. I’m desperate to meet Donald and Goofy’s Nobodies in Kingdom Hearts 3: Xodland and Oxfygo.

Xion anagram explanation

This is stretching it.

“That’s gonna get annoying real fast.”

-on “got it memorized?”
Got it memorized Axel

Well, do you?

“Axel has weird eyebrows.”

-on body shaming

It’s a bold look.

Axel looking hurt gif

Axel is a little hurt by that statement.

So, this is while Sora is asleep? And then there this Roxas and the other Roxas who is buds with his Twilight Town buds and goes around skateboarding. And one of them is in the simulation world. Presumably the skateboarding boy.”

-on predictions, part two

See, this one isn’t so bad! Simulation Roxas doesn’t exist yet, but otherwise, we’re grasping some important concepts here.

Roxas sk8ter boi skateboard

He was a Sk8ter Boi.

“These recaps are annoying as sh#!t.”

-on the downsides of cinematics

Based on the image research I’ve done for this blog, I think one of the major downsides of watching the cinematic cut, rather than playing through the original handheld game, is that you miss out on playing as other members of the Organization and learning more about their personalities. I feel like I know almost nothing about the OXIII gang except for Axel and Xigbar (and Larxene, Vexen, and Marluxia, now that CBB is also playing Chain of Memories, but I had mostly forgotten them in the five years since I last picked up that game). Based on the latest Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer alone, this is a situation I think I’m going to need to rectify.

But yeah, the little recap blurbs are, in the words of Champ McDude’s bud Ryuji, freakin’ boring.

358/2 anime mission report

Maybe I’ll just read the anime.

“Is this plot hinging on a f#%king popsicle stick?”

-on ice-cream centric arcs
Sea Salt Ice cream is the best game synopses

All games should be about ice cream, change my mind.

“Xion is clearly the Nobody of someone important.”

“Yeah, that’s Kairi’s Nobody. Was she ever a Heartless?”

“Xion is Namine, that’s my hypothesis.”

-on evolving understandings

Well…0 for 3 here. But some interesting ideas, CBB, keep up the creative thinking!

Nobodies isn't a very nice name. Roxas and Zexion

Nobody is a microaggression, change my mind.

“Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days is actually a beautiful romance.”

-on a boy who loves his ice cream

Clickbait Boyfriend does not know what he has stumbled into here. Obviously, he was referring to the gang’s adoration of sea salt ice cream. NOT ANYTHING ELSE.

Roxas and Axel sea salt ice cream

Is this worse if it’s about Roxas and the ice cream? It’s probably worse.

“Roxas has his priorities straight.”

-on ice cream-fueled reunions

Man, I need to get ice cream with my friends more often.

Roxas other ice cream flavors

My local ice cream shop has 88 flavors. I think that would break Roxas.

“Her f#%king hood!”

-on apparent inconsistencies

Clickbait Boyfriend and I were mystified by Xion’s appearing and disappearing hood. In the cinematic, it only happens in a few cutscenes, but it seemed like a continuity error: in long-shots, Xion was hooded, in close-ups, we could see her face. Sloppy editing, right? Well, apparently, it’s some kind of intentional BS about who can see her with a face and who can’t, which Emma claims is much more apparent in the original game. Good cover, Square Enix. Good cover.

Xion hood Axel cause me so much trouble

Seriously, I spent way too much brainpower on this.

“My thoughts exactly, buddy.”

-on “is Kingdom Hearts so important?”
Kingdom Hearts what's most important to you.

Sora’s not sure, and neither are we.

“Damn. Roasted. They just laugh it off.”

-on Axel being out of shape

According to this redditor, Axel is pushing seven feet tall, so his heart has to do some real work to pump his blood. That is, if physical hearts are a thing in Kingdom Hearts, which is unclear.

Kingdom Heart attack

After all that ice cream, all of the Nobodies could use a check-up on their cardiovascular health…oh wait.

“This is depressing.”

-on going back to work

I feel this strongly on the Tuesday after a long weekend.

Roxas and Pluto a break

Clickbait Boyfriend (left) suggests that Madelyn (center) take a few hours off to play some video games.

“I’m f#%king confused? Was that a dream?”

-on whatever that Destiny Islands nonsense is

Readers, I’m not even going to pretend to be able to parse what happened in this trip of a cutscene. This kind of analysis is way above my pay grade.

358/2 Axel Xion Roxas Kiki's delivery service

Instead, have a picture of the 358 gang as Kiki’s Delivery Service!

“Working hypothesis: Xion is Sora’s Nobody’s Nobody.”

-on continued attempts at understanding

This is…sort of not wrong? But also not at all right? My head hurts.

Xion did it for the vine

She needs some milk.

“This is getting weird.”

-on seeing Sora’s face

Getting weird? As if this whole series hasn’t been weird from the first moment. But yeah, Xion’s face turning into Sora’s is definitely bizarre. Someone should study Nomura’s brain.

Donald most important face 358/2

Could have been weirder.

“His friend is dying, what’s the first thing he thinks? Who else will I have ice cream with?”

-on the flip side of ice-cream priorities

To be fair, Roxas is approximately eleven months old, so he’s still working on object permanence. He’s basically the snacks baby.

Xion dying who will I have ice cream with

Poor Axel. Poor Xion. Poor Roxas (because he’s spent so much munny on sea salt ice cream, obviously)

“I do not know what happened there. As per usual, I felt I was mostly following what was going on, until the climax when they throw like twenty things that should be revelations at you, but they’re coming so fast they all get lost on you.”

-on overall impressions

Well, I think it’s safe to say that Nobody completely understands these games…get it? Awww come on folks, have a heart! 

Next time: Chain of Memories…revisited!

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